


You Are the Light That's Leading Me

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Aging, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Bisexuality, Break Up, Divorce, Gay Romance, Guys in Their Mid-forties, Heavy Angst, Hurt!Jim, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Infidelity, M/M, Older Characters, Parental Illness (Stroke), Part Vulcan Child, Past Affair, Past Suicide Attempt, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Riverside, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, mature themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2018-08-08 08:16:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 35,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7750225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few years after the five-year mission, Jim is an admiral on Yorktown, when his mother becomes ill. He takes a leave of absence to care for her in Riverside and receives unexpected visitors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Caregiver

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Tu eres la luz que me guía](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8426827) by [chicaclamp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chicaclamp/pseuds/chicaclamp)



> This involves a slightly older Kirk and Spock. It also involves infirm characterization though not Kirk or Spock. There is past infidelity though Kirk and Spock do not cheat on each other.

Jim grabbed his mother’s arms just before she began to slip on the tile floor of the bathroom. “Easy, easy, I’ve got you.”

“This fucking sucks,” she said vehemently. “You can let go of me.”

Jim looked at his mom. She had food all over her face, her hair was soiled with it, and her gown was sliding off her shoulder. She had been trying to feed herself. She hadn’t had much success.

“I think I’ll hold on to you a little longer.” He reached past her with one arm and turned the knob on the faucet, making sure the water was turned to warm. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” He heard the false cheer in his own voice, but really, what could he do?

“You don’t have to help me,” she insisted, the words slurred just a little. She’d made big improvement really.

“Of course I do. You’re my mom.”

She laughed then and it came out rather like a hiss. “You got the short end of the stick, Jimmy.”

“This won’t be like this forever. You’ll get better.” Which one of them was he reassuring?

She nodded, closing her eyes. She leaned against him now. Leaned against the sink. “I tried too soon?”

“Yes. Probably. But you’re already talking better.” Jim picked up a wash cloth and wet it.

“You’re a bad liar.”

She’d had a stroke. A pretty significant one. She’d gone through physical therapy but she still needed a lot of help. A lot of the time.

Jim had choices. Take a leave from Starfleet and take care of her himself or hire someone else to do it…maybe even put her in some kind of nursing home. He’d seen those places. Once, what seemed a lifetime ago now, as a juvenile “delinquent’ he’d spent some time in one, making up for some petty crime he’d committed. The crime had been that such a place existed and stole their dignity.

It was never really a choice. He left Yorktown, temporarily, he hoped, anyway, where he was currently serving as Vice Admiral after the conclusion of the five-year mission. Which had ended up actually being almost seven years by the end of it, because Starfleet kept sending them out, much to Bones’ complaining. And for the last three years he’d been at Yorktown.

Jim didn’t always shave as much as he should. And there was gray in Jim’s hair where maybe there once wasn’t. Jim tried not to think about that too much. People got older. Frailer. Look at his mother. And at that Jim looked away from her. Guilt ate at him for the way he felt about her. Part of him resented having to take care of her now, because she’d not done the best job taking care of him, had she? But none of this was her fault. Or his fault for that matter. Life threw you challenges and you just had to deal with them. As best you could. And anyway, what else did he have to do?

Jim smiled and held the damp cloth to her face. He wiped off the food very carefully. Wiped it out of her hair, too. He tried to ignore the wateriness of her eyes. “Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s going to be okay, Mom.”

“If you say that enough maybe we’ll both believe it.” Her bottom lip quivered.

“You want tea or something?”

“Yes. But-but I have to-to—”

Jim had soon found out your days of thinking you were the shit were over the moment you had to help you mother use the toilet. It was humbling and humiliating. But he supposed whatever humiliation he felt at it was nothing compared to what she did so he pushed aside his own selfish, unkind thoughts and dealt with it.

“Okay. Well, let me help you to the toilet.” Jim hooked his arm under hers and led her the few feet to the toilet. “You need me to pull your pants down?”

She shook her head. “I can do it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Want to try. Call you when I’m ready. You can wait outside the door.”

Jim hesitated. He didn’t want her to fall but she did need to try stuff for herself. Eventually he would leave Riverside and return to his duties at Yorktown. “All right.”

He was about to leave the bathroom when he heard the doorbell.

“Who’s that?” his mom asked.

“Not sure. Hang on. I’ll be right back.”

Jim stopped to wash his hands and sort of dry them on the towel and then closed the bathroom door after him.

It was likely one of Winona’s neighbors. They’d been by before with food and stuff. Everyone was unfailingly kind.

Jim opened the door, ready to put out his hands for the casserole.

“Hello Jim.”

Jim’s heart leapt to his throat and then plummeted to his stomach. “Spock?”

“May we come in? The weather is rather inclement.”

“We?” Jim looked past Spock. “Is Nyota with you?

“No.” Spock moved aside to reveal the small boy standing with him. He was no more than three and had very slightly pointed ears with large dark eyes and perfectly manicured arched eyebrows. His skin was a light mocha color.

Jim realized instantly this was Spock’s son with Uhura. He’d heard they’d had a child, though admittedly he had tried to block that out.

Behind Spock and the boy it had begun to rain and the wind had picked up. He registered that Spock and the child had luggage with him.

“Uh, okay. This is-is not the best of times. But all right.” Jim stepped aside to let them into the farmhouse.

“This is my son, Sarvok. Sarvok, this is Vice Admiral Kirk.”

“Nice to meet you Sarvok,” Jim said to the little boy who stared at Jim with wide uncertain eyes. “Spock, what are you doing here?"

“Then you did not get my message?”

“Message? No. I’ve been rather busy. My mother—”

“Has had a stroke. I am aware. This is likely an inconvenient time.”

“Yeah,” Jim said honestly. “If I had known you and Nyota were going to visit I would have prepared.”

Spock looked down at Sarvok. “Nyota and I have severed our bond and ended our marriage,” he said quietly. “All that remains is our family bond with Sarvok.”

“Oh.” Jim blinked. He wasn’t really sure how he was supposed to feel about that. Spock had bonded and married Uhura during the last year or so of their mission. It had been beyond painful. And had a lot to do with him ultimately taking the vice admiral position on Yorktown he had previously turned down. “I’m sorry to hear that.” Because that’s what one said under these circumstances. And anyway, Jim had moved on. He had. Long ago.

“Jim?” His mother called from the bathroom.

“Uh. I have to go help her. So, um, I guess, make yourselves at home. Mom has the bedroom downstairs. Mine is the first one to the right of the stairs but you can stay in any of the others.” Jim didn’t wait for a response and went back to the bathroom.

His mom had risen from the toilet and was adjusting her clothing. “Who is it?”

“Spock.”

“Your first officer?”

“Former. Yeah. And his kid.” Jim put his arm around her waist. “I think they came to stay. I can tell them to leave if you want.”

She shook her head. “No. That’s all right. It might be good for you to have someone around other than your burdensome mother.”

“Mom, you aren’t a burden.”

She gave him a smile but the stroke made it twisted and rather sinister. “We both know I am.”

Jim sighed and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “No more than I am, Mom. No more than I am.”


	2. Truth or Consequences

When Jim and his mom emerged from the bathroom there was no sign of Spock and his son.

“Where’d they go?” Mom asked, stumbling a little with her walker as she came to an abrupt stop.

“Probably upstairs getting settled. Go sit at the table and I’ll make you tea.”

It was difficult to stay dispassionate watching her struggle even to make it to the table. He wondered if they released her too soon, and really, it wasn’t the first time he wondered that. He would make do with what he had to, though, just as he always had.

When she was seated, Jim took the opportunity to locate his PADD and look up the message he must have received from Spock. If he expected a long lengthy explanation he was disappointed.

_Jim, due to the dissolution of my bond and marriage with Nyota, I find myself unexpectedly adrift. I am aware this is likely an unfortunate time, but Sarvok and I are coming for a visit. Spock._

He had to wonder at the sudden end of Spock’s relationship with Uhura. It had certainly withstood a lot over the years.

“Jim?”

Jim set his PADD down and moved into the kitchen. “Yeah, sorry, Mom. Coming right up.”

In the long run, it was none of Jim’s business what happened between them. Spock had made his choice.

He heated water in a kettle and poured the boiling water over tea leaves in a pot. It would be easier to do a teabag but likely Spock would want tea also. Jim made himself coffee. And then spent a second wondering what to give Sarvok.

He brought the tea and a couple of small sugar cookies over to where his mother sat. She was staring off into the distance. She’d done that a lot lately. He wondered what she was thinking, if anything.

He sat across from her and she looked up with one of her ghastly smiles. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that her facial paralysis made it so.   

“You don’t have to stay, Sam,” she said. “I can manage.”

“Yes, I do. And it’s Jim, Mom. Sam’s not here.”

“Oh.” She nodded. “I know that. Sorry, Jimmy.”

“It’s okay. I took a leave from Starfleet. I’m fine to stay.”

“Why is your friend here?”

Jim shrugged. “Guess he broke up with his wife.”

“That girl, huh. The communi…the one who listens to conversations.” She looked frustrated.

“Yes, that’s right. Nyota Uhura.”

She picked up her tea mug in shaking hands. “You went to their wedding?”

Ha, look at that. The little stab in his heart was less than before. “Yes. And their bonding ceremony.”

She was watching him through her droopy eyelids, like maybe she had figured out more than she should. But Jim reminded himself she never cared enough to know what was really going on with him, so he was probably safe from uncomfortable questions.

Jim turned at the sound of Spock and Sarvok coming down the stairs. Spock had changed the little boy into a tiny version of one of those robes Vulcans wore and Jim had to reluctantly admit the kid looked cute. He tried to decide which of his parents Sarvok resembled more and in the end decided he really was a mix of Spock and Uhura. And God that depressed him.

“You get settled?” Jim asked, forcing a note of cheerfulness in his voice that sounded entirely false to his own ears.

“Yes, thank you, Jim.”

“There’s tea over there. I don’t know what Sarvok drinks.”

“Tea,” Sarvok said, his little voice unexpectedly strong and clear.

Must be the Vulcan in him, Jim thought.

“Kids drink tea?”

“Vulcan children do from a young age, yes. It is not harmful to him,” Spock replied.

“Spock, this is my mother, Winona Kirk. Mom, this is Spock and his son, Sarvok.”

“Ma’am.” Spock came over to the table. “I apologize for our intrusion.”

She shook her head. “No, it’s all right. It’s nice having visitors. Pretty lonely here before.”

Jim glanced out the window. The rain had stopped for a bit. “I’m going to go out to the barn for some wood while the rain’s eased up.” He stood.

“I will come with you,” Spock said. “Sarvok, sit here for a moment and be quiet so as not to bother Mrs. Kirk, all right?”

Sarvok nodded, and took a sip from his small cup of tea. He now clutched one of the sugar cookies Jim had brought to his mom.

Jim grabbed his coat and shrugged it on. He eyed Spock’s soft looking sweater. “You might want your coat.”

“I left it upstairs.”

Jim grabbed another coat and shoved it at Spock. “Here. At least it has a hood. You won’t get your ears wet if it starts raining again.”

Spock pulled the coat on and lifted the hood. As they passed the living room, Jim saw Spock’s gaze go to the pillow and blanket on the sofa.

Jim shrugged. “It’s easier to sleep down here most of the time. Then if she calls for me, I’m right here.”

They went outside. It was fucking cold.

Jim figured he really didn’t need Spock’s help bringing in a little wood, but maybe Spock wanted to talk. Not that he ever did before.

Jim didn’t look at Spock as they traipsed over to the barn.

“You are curious.”

“Am I?” They entered the barn and Jim went to the wood pile. “Well. I didn’t think anything would break you two up.”

Spock did not reply at first, so Jim looked over at him.

“She found out about us,” Spock finally said.

“Us?” Jim shook his head. “There is no us, Spock.”

“About the time on Yorktown.”

Jim folded his arms across his chest. “That was three years ago. How did she find out about that now?”

“Someone told her.”

“Who?”

Spock shook his head. “That does not really matter. She found out. And it was while she was carrying Sarvok. She asked if I was sorry.”

“And?”

“I told her the truth,” Spock said simply.

Jim sighed. “Which was?”

“I regret that she found out and that it hurt her.” Spock paused. “Not that it occurred.”

“Bet that didn’t go over well.”

“Obviously not.”

“But to end your marriage and bond over something that happened back then? We haven’t even kept in touch,” Jim said softly.

“At your request,” Spock reminded him.

“Can you blame me?” Jim shook his head, looking away from Spock and to the wood pile. “Those three days on Yorktown were…” Jim stopped himself from saying something altogether too revealing and corny. “But they were wrong. You were already married and bonded to her. I don’t do that kind of thing.”

“And yet you did,” Spock said softly. “We both did.”

“Look where it got you.” Jim bent down to pick up wood. “Do you have custody of Sarvok?”

“We share custody. Nyota is presently visiting her brother on Andoria where he is an attaché to an ambassador there. She felt it would not be the place to take Sarvok at the moment."

“Bet she didn’t know you were coming to see me then.”

Spock inclined his head. “Actually I did tell her.”

Sometimes Spock really was too honest for his own good. Though he had managed to keep his affair with Jim secret. Well, not anymore.

“Better get back inside. It’s fucking freezing out here.”

Spock picked up some logs.

“I guess I have to find something to feed us all. I suppose the kid’s a vegetarian too, right?”

“Indeed.”

“Okay. So, um, chicken soup is out of the question.” Jim sighed and turned to walk back to the house. “We’ll have to go shopping.”

“I can do that for you tomorrow. After all, we are the ones inconveniencing you.”

“True,” Jim said, and didn’t even feel bad about it. At the moment, he wished he was back on Yorktown. Alone. Others were just complications Jim no longer needed or wanted.


	3. Back Off

The thing about taking care of his mom was that he didn’t have to think about himself. And more often than not, that was a good thing. Jim left alone to contemplate himself and his life usually spelled disaster.

He piled some wood in the fireplace and then put the other logs next to it. Just as he and Spock got back to the house it had begun to sprinkle. The wind and the chill had picked up, too.

His mother was where he left her, of course. Sitting at the table, her shaking hands wrapped around a teacup she was not drinking from, her eyes sort of vacantly staring off into space.

Spock’s kid was sitting quietly beside her, sipping from his tea. He held a partially eaten sugar cookie in his chubby fist.

Jim was getting a severe pain behind his right eye that he knew he should take something for before it became detrimental later, but he moved into the kitchen instead.

“So,” Jim said by way of beginning. “I promised chicken noodle soup to mom, so that’s what we’re going to have. Let me see what you and Sarvok can have.”

No one answered him and Jim tried not to be frustrated by that. He should be used to it by now. He went to the fridge and peered inside.

“Well. We have…um.”

“We can replicate something,” Spock said from behind him.

Jim grimaced and straightened from the fridge. “Actually, the replicators we used to have here broke some time ago. The asshole fucked them up.”

Spock arched a brow.

Jim sort of glanced at the kid, but he didn’t appear to be listening too intently. “That is…my stepfather managed to destroy them when I was just a boy. We ended up ripping them out. We never replaced them.”

“Didn’t see the point with just me here,” Mom mumbled.

“I see.”

“I didn’t really expect vegetarian visitors,” Jim said defensively.

“Cookies,” Sarvok said, waving the one he held.

“You cannot have cookies for dinner,” Spock told him.

“Yes, I can, Papa.”

“Technically, yes. But I will not allow it.”

“I have some polenta,” Jim said, looking in the cabinet. He handed a box to Spock. “Better than nothing, yeah?”

Spock took the box. “Yes, it will do. “

 Jim thought to himself that it was a good thing, because he was certainly not going out now to get them something else, what with his headache, his mother, and having to make soup. It occurred to him he was get pretty irritable but decided Spock could just deal with it.

He did manage a smile or thought he did anyway. And he set up the coffeemaker to make himself some. He survived on caffeine these days.

“How’s your tea, Mom? Need to be reheated?”

She stuck her finger in it. “No, it’s fine.” Then she pushed it away. “Jimmy? I want to go to bed.”

“All right. I’ll take you. Then when dinner’s ready, I’ll come get you.”

She didn’t react, just started to stand up as he brought her walker over.

“What’s wrong with the lady?” Sarvok asked.

Jim glanced at the kid and tried not to tense. He shook his head and helped his mother grip the walker.

“Sarvok, do not be impolite,” Spock said quietly.

Jim followed his mother to her bedroom and flicked on the light. He could hear Spock and Sarvok speaking in low voices.

“Sorry,” Jim said to her.

“S ’okay. You can tell him what’s wrong.” She sat on the edge of the bed. “Not a secret.”

“I know. It’s just—”

“You’re em-em…bashful?”

“No, Mom. I’m not embarrassed.” He knelt down beside her. “They’re just a complication neither of us need right now.”

“They can stay, Jim. We’ll be fine.”

He nodded. Then winced at the pain.

“You are hurting.”

“It’s nothing. A little headache.”

 She stared at him for a moment saying nothing and he could clearly see she was struggling with her thoughts and that hurt.

“You loved him once, didn’t you?”

Jim let out a shaky breath and ran his hand over the top of his head. “Yeah.”

“Now?”

Jim shook his head.

“Why not?”

“He didn’t love me back. I had to let it go.” And he almost believed it. Almost didn’t feel the twist of his heart. The more he said it the easier it would get.

“You don’t always have to be so brave,” his mom said haltingly.

“Yeah, I do.” He smiled and patted her knee. “You should rest. I’ll call you for dinner.”

“Wait,” she called out as he started to stand again.

“What?”

“It’s-it’s…today…it’s your-your birthday.” She frowned. “Isn’t it?”

“You know I don’t care about that.”

“But I was there. It _is_ today.”

She seemed unnecessarily agitated so Jim pushed her down gently so she lay flat on the bed.

“Never mind, all right?” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “And anyway…it’s not mine, Mom. It’s Sam’s today.” He hated to remind her. It brought only pain.

“Sam,” she said faintly.

“Uh-huh.”

“Sam,” she whispered again. “Where is he?”

Jim sat on the edge of the bed and took her hands in his. They were so frail, like the bones could break. “He’s gone, Mom. You and I are the only ones left. Remember?”

She blinked rapidly as her eyes filled with tears. “That’s right. I forgot again.”

“It’s okay. Everyone forgets sometimes.”

“You’re too nice to me, Jimmy.”

He smiled crookedly. “Probably.” He stood. “Get some rest, okay? I’ll check on you in a bit.”

As soon as he stepped out of her room and closed the door, Jim leaned against the wall and grabbed his head. It was getting worse and was obviously well on its way to becoming a bitch of a migraine.

Cool fingers suddenly touched his temples and Jim’s eyes flew open to find Spock standing very close, his hands on Jim’s face. Jim immediately pushed away from him.

“Back off.”

Spock couldn’t hide his surprise. “What?”

“Back the fuck off.”

“Your head—”

“Is my problem not yours.” Jim grimaced. “We’re not going there, Spock.”

“It is not my intention to ‘go there’. I simply wish to assist you with pain.”

“I don’t need your assistance. Let me be straight here with you. You’re still here because for some reason she wants you to stay. And because of your kid. I don’t want him to have to watch me throw your ass out of here. Clear enough for you?”

Spock straightened and nodded very slightly. “Quite.”

Jim blew out a breath, hoping it would ease the pounding behind his eye. It did not. “Good. You’re here, let’s make the best of it.”

“If I am truly unwelcome, Sarvok and I will depart in the morning.”

“You’re seriously a pain in my ass, Spock. But then you have been since day one, haven’t you?”

Spock opened his mouth and then closed it.

Jim had to smile at that though he had no real reason to smile these days. “At least you’re smart enough not to refute that. We can be friends. I think we can anyway. Just stay out of my personal space and I’ll stay out of yours. Deal?”

“Very well.”

“Excellent. Now I have to go make soup.” He moved past Spock, giving the Vulcan a very wide berth indeed. When he entered the kitchen area he smelled chicken.

Spock came up behind him. “I already started your soup. I am boiling the chicken.”

Jim turned to him. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wished to. After all, I may as well make myself useful while I am here.”

“But you’re a vegetarian.”

Spock raised a brow but did not reply.

Jim looked to the stove. “Well. Thanks.” He cleared his throat. “Thank you.”

“Perhaps while it cooks you can rest in an effort to make your headache better.”

“I can’t. Have to be here in case my mom needs anything.”

“I will listen in case she needs assistance,” Spock offered.

As tempting as that was, Jim didn’t intend to start relying on Spock again. That road was a bad one he had no intention of traveling again.

“Thanks, but I’ve got it. I’ll just have some coffee and everything will be fine.”

Spock merely stared at him a moment before saying very softly, “As you wish.”


	4. A Good Machine

With his mom resting and the soup seemingly safe in the hands of Spock, Jim decided he could spare a moment to sit on the couch with a cup of strong coffee and an ice pack over his eye. He had his PADD on his lap, ready for him to tackle whatever he needed to tackle. Though he was technically on leave from Yorktown, he was still in charge, still the high ranking officer currently running it, and that meant millions of lives were still in his hands.

He closed his eyes for a moment, savoring the quiet he could enjoy for maybe five minutes. He needed some time to meditate, but he didn’t have it. Jim wondered, a little amused, if Spock realized of all the things Jim had learned from him, he’d kept meditation a part of his life. It really did help order his mind. Except there was no time for it now.

He opened his eyes reluctantly, ready to read the fifty or so messages he had waiting.

Sarvok stood near the far end of the couch, staring at him.

Jim had to admit the boy was cute. He could see both Spock and Uhura in him. And he appeared much more human than Vulcan, but then he would be. His dark hair was curly and soft looking. The eyes…they were all Spock. In his little fists he held some sort of stuffed animal and Jim found himself smiling in spite of himself.

“What have you got there?”

Sarvok briefly glanced at the stuffed creature before returning his gaze to Jim. “Bird.”

“What kind?”

Sarvok stumbled over on shaky three year old legs and thrust the stuffed bird at Jm.

“Oh. A penguin.”

“Guin.”

“Penguin,” Jim corrected.

“Yes,” Sarvok agreed, smiling and retrieving it. To Jim’s surprise he crawled up onto the couch to sit beside Jim.

“Uh. Where’s your, um, Papa?”

“Making soup and polenta.”

Jim eyed him. “You can say polenta but not penguin?" He shook his head. Kids. He would never understand them.

Of course this little one was the reason Spock had stayed with Uhura, wasn’t he? He’d wanted to be with his son, whom Uhura had been pregnant with. Jim understood. Sure. Anyway, he was used to never being chosen first. He’d never been a priority in his life. So he certainly wouldn’t have been over Spock’s child. Anyone knowing his thoughts would think Jim was the most selfish bastard in the world. And yeah, maybe he was. He’d never claimed to be perfect, despite rumors otherwise.

“I’m just gonna look at these notes then,” he told Sarvok, who continued to stare at him. “If you gotta sit there, at least be quiet.”

“Okay,” Sarvok agreed, turning his attention to the stuffed penguin. He started to talk to it in Vulcan or something, which Jim had to admit was a little distracting. But he refused to let the little boy beat him, so he started reading his messages.

He’d gotten through three, even replied to them, when he felt a tug on his sleeve. He looked down to see Sarvok had cast aside his stuffed penguin and was now starting openly at Jim again.

“Mister Kirk?”

“You can call me Jim.”

“Okay.” Sarvok pointed at the ice pack on Jim’s head. “What’s that?”

“An ice pack. For my headache.”

Sarvok yawned. Which made Jim yawn too. Stupid kid.

“Sarvok,” Spock called to his son as he walked into the living room. “It is time for you to stop bothering the Admiral. It is time for your nap.”

“Want Jim to do it.”

Jim blinked. “What? No. No. Your papa will put you down to your nap.”

“Come along, Sarvok,” Spock said.

Sarvok stuck his bottom lip out but he scrambled off the couch and followed after his father.     

Jim leaned his head back on the couch and closed his eyes in relief. He could deal with commanding hundreds of men and women, diplomats, Klingons, and pain in the ass bureaucrats, but put a smile child next to him and he broke out in a sweat.

****

“How is your head?”

Jim looked up from his PADD at Spock, who had come into the living room holding his cup of tea. “It hasn’t fallen off anyway.”

“I checked on your mother. She was still sleeping.”

“Thank you.”

Spock sat in a chair opposite the couch. “Yorktown business?”

“Always.”

“I thought you were on leave.”

Jim smirked. “I can’t ever be entirely on leave. There’s a lot to running such a massive star base. I have a good team, don’t get me wrong, but there’s always something.”

Spock inclined his head. “I was surprised they allowed your leave.”

“I didn’t give them much choice.” Jim hit send on another reply.

“And how long do you anticipate it lasting?”

Jim set aside his PADD. “Not really sure. When I came here, I thought Mom was further along in her recovery than she actually was. I mean, sure, she does okay, but she can’t really be by herself. Not for long.”

“Perhaps you could hire someone for her.”

“It might come to that,” Jim admitted. “I’m going to give it another month before I make any decisions. A lot can change in that time.”

Spock sipped his tea. “Do you keep in touch with any of the crew?”

Jim shook his head. “Not really. I used to see Sulu on Yorktown with his husband, but now that Sulu’s a captain of his own starship, his family has left Yorktown.”

Spock was silent for a moment. “Dr. McCoy?” he asked at last.

Jim tensed, looked away for a moment, then back to Spock. “No. We don’t keep in touch.”

“May I ask why?”

He shrugged. “A disagreement.”

“About?”

“You aren’t going to let it go, are you?” Jim sighed. “You’re as stubborn as ever, Spock.”

“I will hardly change.”

“I guess so. If you have to know we argued about you.”

“Explain,” Spock said softly, just short of a demand.

“He told me I was an idiot for getting involved with you. I told him he could go fuck himself and mind his own business. It didn’t go well for either of us. Satisfied?”

“No, I am not.”

“Well, great, that makes two of us.”

“Jim, it was never my intention to make things difficult between you and Leonard.”

“ _I know that_ , Spock. And anyway, it’s no concern of yours,” Jim assured him. “I’m doing just fine the way things are.”

Spock set his teacup down. “I do not believe you are fine.”

“I am.” Jim stood up. “And now, I’m going to check on that soup and make some more coffee.”

“If you would like to rest—”

“I can’t. Thanks though.”

Jim went into the kitchen and returned the ice pack to the freezer and stirred the soup. He looked out the window at the rain. He counted to ten and then blew out a breath.

_I’ll get through this. I’ll get through this. I’ll get through this._

Normally the chants his doctor taught him helped, at least a little. But at the moment, not so much.


	5. Remembering When

_Jim couldn’t believe it was over._

_Everything._

_The five-year mission. Which had actually been more like six._

_His command of the Enterprise._

_He was going to assist in commanding a Starbase now. Yorktown to be exact. That Vice Admiral position he had once turned down would be his._

_His crew was departing. Leaving for other assignments. Other lives._

_And worst of all…_

_“Jim. You all right?”_

_Jim forced the best smile he could come up with and turned to his best friend. “Yeah, Bones, I’m good.”_

_“Everyone’s seeing them off,” Bones said quietly. “Did you-Did you want to go and say goodbye?”_

_In the back of his mind Jim thought of an old Earth song._

_What do I gotta do to make you love me?_

_It echoed back at him until he pushed it down. Down to the spot in his psyche where everything else he could not deal with lay._

_“Yeah.” Jim’s face cracked. Or it sure felt like it should. “Yeah. I should go congratulate the happy couple.”_

_Bones stared at him. “You don’t have to.”_

_“Yeah I do.” Jim licked his lips. “Or else it’s not real.”_

_Jim forced his legs to carry him to the shuttle bay with Bones close behind. He saw them rather quickly. Surrounded by other members of the crew._

_Jaylah stood off to the side watching them herself. Jim went over to her._

_“Are you all right?”_

_“Yes, James T.” But it sounded fake to him and when she turned her eyes were filled with tears. “I make the water.”_

_“I see that. Why?”_

_“This has been my family. And now…everything is changing.”_

_“You and Scotty are going off though, right? To work together. And Keenser.”_

_“It is not the same.” She looked at Spock and Uhura. They’d changed into civilian clothes. Spock somber Vulcan robes. Uhura an ankle length green dress. “You are just going to let them go like this?”_

_“What choice do I have?”_

_“You could have tried, James T.”_

_He shook his head and then squeezed her arm. “I’ve been trying. I’m tired.”_

_He left her where she stood and went to the happy couple getting ready to depart for New Vulcan._

_Uhura spotted him first. “Captain—Jim!” She embraced him._

_He hugged her back because it was expected. “Congratulations again. May you and Spock have a great life together.” He released her._

_“The first part’s already been great,” she assured him. “Thanks to you. I’m going to miss you. Keep in touch?”_

_“Of course I will.” He was lying through his teeth._

_He turned to Spock. Held up his fingers in the ta’al. “Live long and prosper, Spock.”_

_He expected that to be it and that Spock would return the gesture and he’d be on his way, like he’d never wrecked Jim. So when Spock did not return the ta’al but instead pulled Jim close and wrapped his arms around Jim’s back, Jim’s throat closed. For a moment his nose burned because he was trying so hard not to give in to the tears and the despair._

_This had surely been a mistake coming here. And there was no way Spock did not feel the way his heart hammered. Carefully, he pulled away, pushing those feelings down to that same secret place within him._

_“Take care, Spock,” Jim said softly. He squeezed Spock’s biceps and then hurried over to where Bones stood talking to Sulu and his husband. After a few moments, he excused himself and left. He noticed Jaylah was gone as well._

“Here you go. Nice bowl of chicken soup,” Jim said cheerfully to his mother, who he’d just helped sit at the kitchen table.

Spock’s kid was up again and chatting happily to his stuffed penguin. Spock and Sarvok had already had their polenta.

He placed the spoon next to her and turned to go get a bowl for himself. He was just spooning it into the bowl from the pot, when her spoon clanged into her bowl.

“Goddamn it!” His mother exclaimed and then burst into tears.

Jim set his dish down, grabbed a damp cool cloth and rushed to her. “Hey, hey. It’s okay. Did you get burned?”

She shook her head, but she continued to weep into her hands.

“Spock? Could you give us some time?”

Without a word, Spock picked up his son and went upstairs.

Jim smiled. “Let me see your face, all right?”

She lowered her hands and her chin was a little red.

“Did it splash? Here let me.” He carefully wiped her face with the cool cloth. “You want the dermal regenerator?”

“No. It’s all right.” Her bottom lip quivered. “Can’t even hold a damn spoon right.”

“It’ll take time.” He picked up her spoon and wiped the soup from the handle. “You want crackers? I know you like crackers.”

“Saltines?”

“For soup? Of course.” Jim went and got the crackers and crushed them into the soup for her the way he knew she liked. Then he spooned some on to the spoon and held it to her mouth. He repeated it until he had fed her half of what was her in her bowl. “Better?”

“You’re too good to me, Jimmy.”

“Probably.”

Her eyes were still wet. “Your daddy would have loved you so much.”

Jim patted her hand. “You think?”

“I know he would.” She studied him. “Your eyes are bloodshot.”

“Just tired.”

“You need to sleep.”

“Later I will,” he told her. “Want more?”

“No. When did you last sleep?”

“Whenever. I don’t know. I’m used to it. I sometimes go a week with little more than ten hours total. It’s fine.”

“I don’t like it.”

He picked up her bowl and rinsed it out in the sink.

“Haven’t you got somebody there to watch you?”

“Somebody?” Jim filled his own bowl and brought it to the table to sit next to her. “You mean like a romantic partner or something?”

She nodded.

Jim laughed. “Give me a break. When do I have time for that?”

His mom gazed at him sadly. “That’s no life, Jimmy.”

“I do fine. People shouldn’t be judged on whether they can get a wife or a husband. Or if they even date, which I don’t.” Jim shook his head and ate some soup. “There are worse things than being alone, let me tell you.”

“You should go to sleep when you’re done,” she said quietly.

“I have to clean up the kitchen. Then you need a bath.”

“I can skip the bath.”

“No. You like it. Then I have some work to do.”

Her bottom lip was trembling again. “How long will that take?”

He shrugged. “Until everything’s done. Everything’s answered.”

“Then will you sleep?’

“If I don’t have something else I need to do,” he replied. He covered her hand with his. “Mom, it’s all right.”

“Maybe Spock can help.”

“I don’t need his help. And anyway he’s not with Starfleet anymore and isn’t authorized to handle Yorktown business.”

“Maybe the kitchen—”

“It won’t take me long to clean. Mom, I can handle this.”

She nodded slowly. “Okay.”

He finished his soup, stood, gave her a quick hug and went to clean the kitchen. He massaged his forehead by his right eye until the pain became manageable again.  


	6. We Don't Talk Anymore, Like We Used to Do

 

Jim twisted the lid off the bottle while he waited for Commander Alaina Knox to come onscreen. He shook out two pills into the palm of his hand and then reached for his water glass just as he noticed Spock coming into the living room. He swallowed the pills down with water.

“Are those for your headache?” Spock asked.

Jim ignored him as Commander Knox appeared.

“Good Evening, Admiral,” she greeted him.

Spock picked up the pill bottle and glanced at the label.

Jim’s jaw tightened. “Hello, Commander. Status?”

“Everything’s operational here, sir.”

“These are black market stimulants.”

“One moment, Commander.” Jim switched off the screen. He looked to Spock. “Seriously? Do you not see I’m busy?”

”As far as I know these pills can only be obtained through illicit means. Did Dr. McCoy prescribe them for you?”

Jim grabbed the pill bottle out of Spock’s hand. “That’s actually none of your business.”

“Admiral—”

“Don’t call me that. You’re not even in the ‘fleet anymore.”

“Jim, I gather by your defensiveness that they have not been prescribed.”

“Picking up a bottle of pills that belongs to me and reading the contents is so far over the line it’s unreal.”

Spock straightened and glanced away for several seconds. When he looked at Jim again his expression was carefully blank. “I apologize for the invasion of your privacy.”

“Fine. Now if you don’t mind—”

“However,” Spock continued as though Jim had not spoken, “as your friend I must put forth my concerns.”

“Can we not do this now?” Jim switched back to Commander Knox. “Sorry, Commander. I currently have visitors at my home that demanded my attention.”

“Acknowledged. I’ll make this brief, sir. The delegates for the conference arrive in three weeks. Arrangements and accommodations have been made for all participants.” She paused. “There have been multiple requests that you make yourself available at that time on Yorktown, Admiral.”

“I’m not sure that’s going to be possible in three weeks. But I’ll be available via video conference.”

She nodded. “Yes, Admiral. I’ll inform them once again that you may not be available in person. It’s only that I’ve told them that before and they keep insisting, sir.”

“I’m sure you’re capable of allaying whatever fears and concerns they have, Alaina,” Jim said firmly. “Is there anything else?”

“Ambassador Sarcova wishes an audience with you.”

“I definitely don’t have time for her,” Jim said with a grimace.

“Yes, sir. I’ll put her off again.” Knox gave him a knowing smile Jim was pretty sure he didn’t appreciate. But it could be he was just grumpy.

“Anything else?” he asked, perhaps a little too sharply.

“I sent reports to your email, sir.”

“Can’t you take care of them?”

“They require executive signatures, Admiral. My apologies.”

Jim nodded. “When?”

She seemed to hesitate before giving him a sympathetic look. “They’re due by morning, sir. I sent them as soon as I received them. But they are a priority. It was recommended that you read them thoroughly.”

“Very well. Kirk out.” The screen went black and Jim was suddenly very aware of Spock’s presence still beside him. Jim sighed and leaned back against the couch, rubbing his eyes. “She’s definitely not as efficient as you were.”

“That is certainly clear,” Spock replied. Taking a seat in the chair directly across from the couch.

“To be fair, you were the best damn first officer in Starfleet. Science officer too.” Jim shook his head. “I miss you. In that capacity.”

Spock steepled his fingers. “I wish to return to the subject of the illegal stimulants.”

“We’re going to remain at cross purposes there, Spock.”

“You use them to stay awake.”

“And if I do?”

“You cannot continue at this pace, Jim. Not even you can forgo rest for weeks on end. Even through illicit means.”

Jim reached for his PADD. “I’ll sleep when I have the time. Right now, as you heard, I have reports to read.”

“Allow me to assist you.”

“You’re not authorized. And seriously, you’re making me regret allowing you and your son to stay here.”

Spock was quiet for a while. Jim opened his first report and tried to ignore that the words were blurred in front of him.

“You wish for me to leave.”

“If you want to be technical, I wish you’d never even come.” Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. “Where are my damn reading glasses?”

Spock leaned forward in his chair and handed them to Jim.

“Thanks,” he muttered, putting them on.

“I cannot leave,” Spock said softly.

“Why not?”

“Because it has become clear to me that left to yourself you will destroy the man who is of utmost importance to me.”

Jim laughed at that. “Yeah sure.”

“I love you, Jim.”

“Yes, well, I don’t love you.” If he expected Spock to show any reaction to that blunt and bold statement, he was quite disappointed. “But suit yourself. You always do anyway.”

He decided to ignore Spock in favor of reading the first report. He was grateful when Spock didn’t say anything else, although he remained where he was sitting.

He added his signature to the report and hit send.

He was halfway through reading the third report when he suddenly felt hands on his shoulders. He hadn’t even realized Spock had risen, let alone walked behind him. A protest was on the tip of his tongue but it died when Spock began to massage his back and shoulders.

“I shouldn’t allow this,” Jim muttered half-heartedly.

“You should,” came the soft response.

Spock was good, that was for sure. Before their ill-fated affair, there had been a couple of times Spock had done this very thing back on the Enterprise. He’d tried to tell himself then it was just platonic love, a deep friendship born of circumstances and loneliness shared on a ship, not to mention a history of others in another universe that they had never really shared.

It was a good story to tell himself anyway.

A good way to pretend his heart didn’t split down the middle when Spock married Uhura and left his life. He thought for good. Until Spock showed up on Yorktown and changed everything. Not that he’d ever really had a chance of pretending his love for Spock was only platonic friendly love.

“How long has it been since you allowed someone to take care of you?” Spock asked. He kept his voice low and soothing, as though he knew Jim would bolt at any moment. Which was probably true.

“I don’t know,” Jim said honestly. “I don’t really have the—”

“Time,” Spock said for him. “How is your head?”

He put his hands up to his temples. “Better. Did you do something?”

“Your muscles were very tight,” Spock said. He moved his hands up to Jim’s head and began to massage there too.

Jim swallowed and closed his eyes. “That feels way too good.”

“It will do no good for your mother or Yorktown if you collapse.”

“Won’t.”

“Keeping yourself awake with stimulants is not the answer.”

Jim shook his head and opened his eyes. “You’ve made your feelings on that clear.”

“As your friend, your welfare is my concern.”

He felt his eyelids droop and he could barely keep them open. “Gotta read the rest—”

****

Jim woke to sunlight streaming in through the window.

Too much sunlight.

And in his room.

He bolted upright.

_Spock_.

He jumped out of bed, stumbled to the bathroom to relieve his bladder, and then rushed down the stairs, his heart pounding hard, freaking out over his mother.

She was seated at the dining room table with a cup of tea in front of her and a waffle. Next to her at the table in a booster seat was Sarvok clutching a sippy cup in his chubby hand.

Spock stood at the stove but turned around when Jim clamored down the stairs.

“Good morning,” Spock said.

“You…” Jim licked his lips. Spock put a mug of coffee into his hands. He glanced around the kitchen still totally not getting it. He felt like his mind was fogged over.

“If you will sit at the table, I will have your waffle ready in a moment.”

“My reports.”

Spock nodded. “I obtained an extension. They are not due until this afternoon.”

“You…” Jim’s jaw muscle jumped as it tightened rigidly.    

“Sit, Jim.” His mother patted the seat next to her. “The waffle’s good. Im-Impressed.”

Jim narrowed his eyes at Spock. “Yes, I am too.” He took his coffee over to the table right in time to watch Sarvok throw the cup down onto the ground.

“Oops,” Sarvok exclaimed.

Jim bent down and picked it up, handing it to the kid. “Yeah, oops.”

He sat down, ignoring the wide smile from the boy, and grimacing into his cup. He took a sip and was irritated to find that it tasted good.

“Somebody woke up grumpy,” his mother declared.

Jim pushed away from the table and stood. “I’m going to get some air.”

“Jim—”

“Be right back,” he told her.

The sun shone brightly and yesterday’s rain had moved on to its next destination and though there was a slight chill in the air it was nothing he couldn’t handle.

He got halfway through the yard and barely refrained from letting out a primal scream as he dropped to his haunches.

Jim didn’t turn around when the door opened and closed. He knew without looking who it was.

“You think you can just show up here unannounced and uninvited and fix everything and make fucking breakfast like you’re some hero?”

“Jim, it is not my intention to fix everything or to become a hero. I wish only to lessen your burden.”

 Jim stood and turned toward him. “I don’t need you.”

“Jim—”

“I don’t fucking need you, Spock.” Jim shoved him. It was childish and stupid and he barely moved the Vulcan, but he didn’t care. “I needed you once. And look what happened!”

“I understand.”

“You understand? Understand this?” He started hitting Spock in the face and Spock just let him, just stood there stoically taking it. Then Jim pushed away again. “I’m so angry. So fucking angry.”

He turned his back on Spock then kicking at the ground, at the dirt.

“Why? Why is my life so-so messed up? Why do I have to keep watching everyone around me choosing somebody else? Why is it never me?”

He felt the burn in his eyes that warned him he was in danger of losing it completely. Maybe he already had.

“Jim.” Spock had moved close again and reached to take hold of Jim’s wrists. “This comes from mental and physical exhaustion of which you have been indulging in for weeks.” His thumb grazed over the raised scar on Jim’s right wrist and Spock sucked in a breath, suddenly going very still. He stared down at the mark. “What…is…this?”

Jim pulled away. “I think you know exactly what it is.”

Spock took a step back. “Was this because of me?”

He laughed without humor, turning away and crossing his arms in front of himself. “No. It was because of me.”

“I do not understand,” Spock whispered.

He closed his eyes. “I know.”

Silence descended over the yard. The wind was picking up, whipping around him.

“You should go back inside. It’s probably not best to leave Sarvok alone with Mom for long.”

Jim didn’t turn around until he heard the door open and close again.

He looked up at the sky and longed for space.    


	7. There's Many Things I Wish I Didn't Do

_Jim had been surprised when he’d received word that Spock would be arriving on Yorktown on New Vulcan business. Even more surprised when he’d learned Spock would be there for three days._

_He hadn’t seen Spock since he and Uhura had left for New Vulcan after their marriage. Only talked to him a handful of times._

_Once Spock had arrived he came to see Jim. Spoken vaguely of his reasons for being there and then had finally admitted his only reason had been to see Jim._

_“What?” Jim asked, surprised by the admission._

_“I have—Jim.”_

_And then Spock kissed him. Pushed against the wall and devoured him._

_“Spock, what does this-what is this—?”_

_But the talking had ended and for the next three days there was hardly any talk between them. Just murmurs for more. Affection. Begging on Jim’s part._

_On the day Spock was supposed to leave, Jim had anticipated he would not. They hadn’t talked about him staying, but Spock didn’t do casual. Jim knew that. Which had given him such hope._

_When he woke to an empty bed, Jim tried to quell the instant panic he felt. It wouldn’t happen like this. It wouldn’t. Spock likely went for a walk. For that tea he liked in the shop just a few doors down from Jim’s apartment building._

_Jim rose and went to the floor to ceiling windows of his penthouse suite. He hadn’t wanted such accommodations. But they’d come with the job. Starfleet had insisted._

_Something felt wrong. So wrong. His heart rate had increased and he felt…_

_Jim went to the console nearby. “Computer, locate Spock of New Vulcan.”_

_There was a long pause._

_“Spock of New Vulcan is not on Yorktown.”_

_Jim felt the blood rush from his head as he sank into the closet chair._

_“When—Computer, when did Spock of New Vulcan depart Yorktown? Destination?”_

_“O Five Hundred. Destination New Vulcan.”_

_Jim covered his face with his hands. He didn’t know how long he sat there, numb, but eventually he spotted a folded up note on the kitchen counter by his coffeemaker._

_He made himself go over and pick it up. He was a grown ass man and if Spock was going to dump him with a note than he’d deal with it._

_Jim_

_I regret leaving this note for you but you were sleeping and you get so few hours of rest. I see the exhaustion in you. There is no one I have ever known or will ever know that I care more for than you. I can no longer pretend that I do not love you with all that I am. But I have a duty to my species and to New Vulcan. And to my wife, who carries my son. It was wrong of me to come there as I did and to start what I did knowing that it could never be enough. Not for me. You will always have my heart._

_Spock._

_Jim tore the note into teeny tiny pieces and then burned it._

_Once more he was not chosen. Spock chose duty over him._

_So be it._

****

Memories were useless things. They only made you want something you could never have or that was never yours.

Jim had changed. He would no longer allow anyone to get to him. He’d spent years alone and he could spend the rest of his life that way.

Jim clutched his fists and stared at the house, at the door Spock had just gone back inside through.

Standing here by himself, his whole body one massive ache, would do him no good. He stepped forward and entered the house, trying not to notice when the voices abruptly ended when he made his entrance.

Okay then.

Jim went straight for his coffee cup and refilled it and then he sat at the table next to his mother. He cut off a bit of waffle, stuck it in his mouth, and chewed. “You’re right, they are good,” Jim said, as though he had never left. As if Spock had never laid him open and exposed him.

His mother was staring at him, her eyes sad and wet. “I’m sorry.”

He patted her hand. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Okay?”

“You’re not mad?”

“Of course not.”

“Sarvok and I will be leaving soon to do the grocery shopping as promised,” Spock announced.

Jim wondered why his announcement hadn’t been, “Sarvok and I will be leaving as soon as the dishes are done.” Really, that’s what it should have been. But clearly Spock had some agenda that meant he was sticking around.

“Can I come?” his mother asked.

Jim inwardly groaned. If she was going, he’d have to go. He couldn’t let her go without him.

“Certainly,” Spock replied.

Jim nodded. “Okay. I’ll get us ready.”

“No,” his mom said quickly. Her voice cracked on the word. “I don’t mean for you to go.”

“Mom, you can’t go by yourself. Not right now.”

Her bottom lip quivered. “I won’t go then.”

“If you will permit me, Admiral, she will not be going by herself. Myself and Sarvok will see that no harm comes to her.”  

Jim was really too fucking tired to argue even though the idea of leaving his mother’s care to someone else, someone he wanted nothing from, irked him.

“Okay, yeah. If you’re sure.”

“I am.”

His mother seemed relieved. “Maybe you can sleep some more, Jimmy.”

“Is there anything specific you require? I am making a list.”

Jim shrugged. “I’ll eat anything.”

Months of having hardly anything to eat will do that to you. Makes you even eat garbage when it’s all you have. And hell, he sure didn’t need to think about that anymore.

He was glad when they left because the house was quiet and peaceful and he didn’t have to pretend he felt anything.

For a long time he just stood in the living room clutching his PADD. He had messages from Knox. A few others from Yorktown. One from Montgomery Scott saying he’d be passing through Yorktown did Jim want to have a drink. Clearly he didn’t know about Jim’s mom. Why would he?

He stopped on the message marked from Leonard McCoy.

Jim could hear it now.

_“Why the hell is that stupid hobgoblin there? And why are you such an idiot?”_

Why indeed? But Jim didn’t want to deal with that so he hit delete without reading it. Fuck Bones anyway. He was the one who dumped Jim.

Eventually he tossed the PADD in the general direction of the couch and willed himself to go upstairs to where a nice soft, comfortable bed waited for him.

_You can’t go to sleep. You have work to do._

_Admiral Kirk, there’s a report that needs your attention._

_Admiral, can you approve this?_

_“Admiral, the Ferengi are being disruptive.”_

Jim closed his eyes. He sank to his knees or at least he thought he did. He felt so weird. So sluggish. Pulse too slow.

_“Jim, it’s time for school.”_

_“Get your lazy ass up or I’ll kick it in.”_

_“Jim, we’re late for class.”_

_“It will be easier.”_

_“I remember your face from Earth’s history.”_

_“I know you better than you think I do.”_

_“You better stop and think about what you’re doing, Kirk. You better think about what you did on Kronos. You made an excursion onto an enemy planet!”_

_“Shall we begin?”_

_“It isn’t uncommon, you know. It’s easy to get lost, in the vastness of space.”_

_“Captain, Nyota and I intend to get married.”_

_“You could have tried, James T.”_

_“It was wrong of me to come there.”_

_It was wrong. It was wrong._

Just let me…


	8. Making Every Kind of Silence, it Takes a lot to Realize

“Welcome back.”

Jim blinked rapidly, staring at the craggy face of Alaister Farnsworth. He lay on his back on a very hard mattress. “Where am I?”

“Just my office. They wanted to take you to the hospital.”

Jim frowned. “They?”

“Your mama and that Vulcan. Spock?”

“Yeah.” Jim licked his dry lips. “How long was I out?”

“A few hours. You came out of it a bit ago, but I figured you needed more sleep. I brought you around just now. They found you on the floor when they returned from the store. Your mama called me. And I told them to bring you in. He’s the one who brought you. Here.” Dr. Farnsworth grabbed Jim’s arm and helped him sit up.

He was in an exam room. “How’d you talk them out of it?”

Farnsworth shrugged. “Knew you wouldn’t want that. And I was pretty sure you were suffering from exhaustion, which I could treat here.”

“Thanks, Doc.”

“However,” Farnsworth continued. “I do insist you make some changes.”

 “Changes?”

“When was the last time you got a full eight hours sleep, Jim?”

“Uh.” Jim squinched up his face. “I don’t know, really. Things have been difficult with Mom.”

“I know. I should have insisted you get a caregiver in for her.”

Jim opened his mouth.

“Besides you. I expected you to do some delegating, Jim.”

Jim looked away. “Don’t feel like there’s anyone I can rely on.”

“Well, now I am insisting. I know a nurse, she’s pretty young and fresh-faced to be honest, but I think she’d do well coming in a few hours a day to help with Winona.”

“Who?”

Farnsworth patted Jim’s leg. “You can get up, son.”

Jim eased down from the exam table onto his feet.

“You might remember her mother. She was a couple years older than you. Marcy Baker.”

Jim nodded. “Sure, I remember. She’s got a daughter old enough to be a nurse?” He shouldn’t be surprised actually. He was old enough, he reminded  himself.

“Sure does. Her name is Kristen. Your mama knows her, too, so I think she’d be more comfortable with her. I’ve already discussed it with Winona. Kristen starts tomorrow.”

“But—”

“Just a few hours a day for now, Jim. If you keep going at the pace you are, you’re going to have some major health problems. I’m concerned about your heart and your blood pressure. You aren’t a young man anymore.”

“You’re telling me,” Jim said.   

“I’m going to give you some vitamin supplements. And I understand you’ve been experiencing headaches.”

“Wow, they tell you everything?”

Farnsworth smiled. “Pretty much. They were concerned for you, Jim. I’m going to give you some medicine for the migraines. I want you back here for a checkup next week.”

“Doc—”

“I could put you in the hospital after all until I am satisfied you’re taking care of yourself.”

Jim folded his arms across his chest. “That’s blackmail.”

“Yes,” Farnsworth said with a nod.

“Fine.”

“My nurse has your care package. And make the appointment with Agnes before you leave. And I want you resting for what’s left of the day. And no emails or messages. Yorktown will survive without you for a day. Commander Knox can handle things even if she swears she can’t.”

“Okay. So can I go?”

“Yes. They’re waiting for you in the waiting room.”

Jim nodded and walked to the door.

“Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Stay off those stimulants, too.”

Jim first stopped off at Dr. Farnsworth’s nurse who gave him the vitamins and migraine medicine and then he made his appointment with Farnsworth’s wife, Agnes, who ran the reception area and then went out to find his mom, Spock, and Sarvok sitting there waiting for him. Sarvok was actually sitting on his daddy’s lap and for some reason the sight of the little boy swinging his legs all curled up on Spock made his heart burn and ache.

They all stood up when Jim came out. He avoided looking at Spock and his kid by focusing on his mother.

“Hi.”

She threw the arm that wasn’t holding her cane around his waist, burying her face into his chest. “Oh, Jimmy.”

“I’m fine, Mom.”

She shook her head, but sniffed and pulled back. “You’re so pale.”

“Um, yeah. I’m okay though. I feel all right.”

They were all quiet on their way back to the farmhouse. Once inside, before Jim could do anything, Spock was ordering him to sit in the easy chair in the living room.

“I will bring you tea.”

“Mom—”

“I will watch over her for the rest of the day.”

“Spock—”

“Jim.”

Jim closed his eyes and sat down in the chair. “I don’t want anything from you.”

“I know,” Spock said softly. “But I will not take no for an answer.”

Spock left to go get his tea and after a moment he heard Sarvok chattering away to his father in the kitchen. Stuff about penguins and his mama.

And speaking of mothers, Jim’s came in and sat next to him on the sofa. She still moved slowly and with a lot of effort but she had forgone the walker and the cane this time.

“You really hate him, don’t you?”

Jim leaned his head back on the chair. God, he wished he could say he hated Spock. But it was impossible. “No.”

“But you don’t love him?”

“I just…" He swallowed heavily. “I wish he’d stay away.”

“You fright—scared me today.”

He reached for her hand. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“You’re all I have left, Jim. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He nodded, squeezing her hand. He wished he could return the sentiment or say something to placate her. But the truth was he still felt so numb, so apathetic to just…everything.

He wondered when was the last time he actually felt something. And couldn’t think of it. He stared at his wrists, the scars there. Sure, he’d lived through his suicide attempt. He’d never forget the anguish on Bones’ face no matter how long he lived when Bones found him barely alive. Maybe that was when. Maybe.

Jim just didn’t know.      


	9. It Hurts Me Every Time I See You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has angst. Not going to lie. If that is NOT your thing, you should probably skip this chapter, and maybe even this fic.
> 
> The title for this chapter comes from Gnash song, "I Hate U, I Love U". A song I really like if you get a chance to listen to the whole song. It seems to fit Spirk well.

The night had turned cold, but Jim welcomed it. Unlike most everything else, he felt the weather. The cold seeped into his bones and stayed there, giving him aches that hadn’t been there when he was even five years younger than he was now. But he didn’t mind the aches because it reminded him that somewhere deep inside he was still alive.

When no one was paying attention to him, and Jim longed for the days that was a more frequent thing than it was now, he grabbed his coat, pulled it on and went out a little known side door. The sky was clear without a cloud in sight but his breath swirled in a mist around him. The days were getting colder, too, soon they would catch up with the frigid nights.

At the time Jim had taken on the responsibility of running Yorktown, he had hoped to never spend another winter in Riverside. In fact, it would have been preferable to never set foot on this land again, really. He did not miss it. Had never missed it. Not the way he missed the stars. The exploration. But that was for younger men than him now. And God, wasn’t that depressing.

He stepped down off the step and into the yard itself.

This place was haunted with memories Jim only wished he could forget. Beatings. Verbal abuse. Once upon a time he’d been excited to be leaving. To be going to a place called Tarsus IV. Away from Frank and the misery here.

 _Be careful what you wish for_.

He pulled out the flask he’d filled earlier and twisted the top off. Tilted his head back to look at those stars he missed as he took a long swallow of the whiskey that burned his throat.

He heard the crunch of footsteps nearby and he even managed not to flinch. He’d known his solitude was short lived. Didn’t even have to look to know it was Spock. He could smell him. He’d know Spock’s scent anywhere. Had memorized it even before Spock spent three days branding Jim.

“I think it’s probably too cold out here for you,” Jim said softly.

“I am more adaptable to different weather patterns than you imagine.”

“I don’t know. I suppose you could adapt to anything really.”

“Somehow that sounds like an insult and not a compliment.”

Jim smiled a little, keeping his gaze on the stars. “I’m not in the habit of indulging in either, Mister Spock.”

“Is it so stifling inside?”

“Yes,” he replied honestly.

“My presence—”

“Is intrusive. Yes. But this time it’s not particularly you at fault.”

“Explain.”

“This house. This land. It holds me in a vise grip and it won’t let go.” He dropped his gaze to the flask he held and took another sip. He thrust it in Spock’s direction. To his surprise, Spock took it and took his own sip before handing it back to Jim.

“You could take your mother anywhere. To Yorktown if you wished.”

“And maybe it will come to that. But for all my hatred of this place, she likes it. It’s her home. She speaks of having nothing left but me and this place.”

“I believe she would rather lose this place than you.”

“I don’t know.” Jim shrugged.

“You believe she would choose a house over you?”

Jim’s mouth twisted, and he recapped the flask and stuck it in his pocket. “I’ve already told you, nobody ever chooses me.”

“I would.” The words were soft and quiet, taken away by the cold breeze.

Jim heard them just the same. “Ah, but you didn’t. “

“That was a mistake.”

“Some mistakes you can’t recover from, Spock.”

Spock fell silent even as he moved closer to where Jim stood. The devil in him almost made him move away, but he stood his ground. He had that, anyway.

“Tell me about the scars.”

“What’s to tell?”

“Why did you…” Spock paused. He had been looking up at the sky, but now his gaze was on Jim’s profile. “You attempted suicide.”

“Good deduction there.”

“You said it was not because of me, but I cannot help but believe my actions regarding you contributed to it.”

He shook his head, weary and sad. “What does it matter now? It’s in the past.”

“I would like to believe your attempts to harm yourself are,” Spock said. “And yet you work yourself to the point of exhaustion and physical deterioration.”

“That’s not really your concern.”

“You are my concern whether you wish to be or not. I care about you more than I care about anyone.”

Jim turned to look at him. “You have the most bizarre way of showing it.”

Spock nodded stiffly. “I acknowledge my failings of which there are many. Marrying Nyota. Not ending our marriage when I should have. Believing that staying with her to raise our son should take precedence over everything else.”

“Seriously, Spock. I don’t want or need a list of your perceived shortcomings. Maybe I cared once, but I don’t anymore. I can only have my heart shredded so many times before it shuts down and closes for business.”

“I will prove my love for you.”

Jim sighed. “I don’t want you to.”

Spock looked down at the ground. “You have shut yourself off from everyone. You are going through the motions with your mother but your heart is not there. I deserve whatever disdain and anger you throw my way. But you have even avoided all contact with Leonard.”

“So what.”

“Why?”

“Because he had to revive me from being pretty much dead again and I’m fucking pissed. He should have left me to bleed out. Left me to die and rot. But no. He wouldn’t let me. And here I fucking am. Alive but not. And I hate it. And I hate him. And I hate her.“ Jim looked away, folding his arms across his chest.

“And you hate me,” Spock whispered.

Jim turned back to Spock, his vision blurring with his angry tears he would not shed. He grabbed Spock’s face in both hands and crushed his lips to Spock’s, kissing him hard with all the pent up rage burning through him. Spock gasped at the contact but he did not pull away, suddenly returning the not at all gentle kiss with equal fervor.

For a moment, Jim let the feelings in, allowed them, the affection, the tenderness. He closed his eyes as Spock took over the kiss.

But no. Not this.

He tore his mouth from Spock’s and pushed himself and Spock away.

Jim shook his head. “You? No. I fucking love you like I’ve always loved you. Like I’ll love you until I cease to breathe. The only way to rid myself of that love is to die. I don’t hate _you_ , Spock. I hate _me_.”

This time he turned his back on Spock and walked away. Not back toward the house but into the yard, further and further away. But the tightness in his chest didn’t loosen no matter how far from Spock he got.


	10. Are You Looking for a Price to Pay?

The barn was cold and desolate. Little used now.

Once it had housed a few horses, even a cow. The yard even once used to have a chicken coup. Heated in the winter, of course. But when Jim came back from Tarsus IV, the chickens were gone. It wasn’t that long after that the horses and cow followed.

Once upon a time, this barn, this place, had been haunted by the biggest fucking dick Jim had ever known. Or so he thought. Turned out there was way worse out there than Frank. Kodos, Nero, Kahn, Krall. So many, really, that Jim lost count. Sometimes now they all jived together in his head until it was almost hard to remember the deeds each were responsible for.

But Frank…yeah, Jim remembered that bastard very well indeed.

He climbed up on to the beat up old Ford—they’d long since stopped making these—and drew his legs up to sit on the hood.  He sort of laughed at himself when he realized it wasn’t quite as easy as when he’d been younger.

“Truth be told, I never thought I’d get to this age,” he spoke out loud.

His Vulcan stalker froze in the doorway. “I was not aware you knew of my presence. “

“You aren’t as quiet as you think you are. Besides, I knew you’d follow me. You’re determined not to leave me alone.”

Spock approached the old Ford and climbed up to sit beside him, his legs straight out in front of him. He’d done it with ease, of course.

“When you speak of not living, I can hardly be blamed if my vigil is maintained.”

“I just meant I went through a lot of shit when I was captain of the Enterprise. Come on, Spock, you sometimes wondered if I’d make it without getting myself killed as well.”

Spock pursed his lips. “You were often quite careless. But also very resourceful.”

“You’re only saying that because you think you want to get with me.”

“I do not know what ‘get with you’ means in this precise case, however, you already know of my desire for reconciliation.”

"Don’t you have to be in a relationship before you reconcile?” Jim shook his head. “How come you have the kid instead of her?” He tried not to make the way he said ‘her’ sound as bitter as he was sure it did. He tried a little anyway.

“As I told you, she is visiting her brother on Andoria.”

“Hmm. It’s just she’s always been very good at holding onto what she views as hers. And you said she knew you were coming here.”

“I suspect she will wish to retain his custody soon enough,” Spock said quietly. “Her expectation is that you and I will be together.”

Jim glanced at him but Spock’s expression was completely blank. “Why would she expect that?”

“She knows of my feelings for you. And she believes that you are the cause of the end of my relationship with her.”

“That’s all on you as far as I’m concerned.”

“I would agree.”

Jim sighed. “Should drive this thing out of here and park it outside so we can look up at the stars.”

“Is it not too cold for that?”

“This is nothing, Spock. Wait until it really gets cold.” Jim laughed.

Spock did not reply to that and Jim lay down, looking up at the ceiling of the barn. It was full of holes.

“Do you ever think about what it was like for them?” Jim asked.

“Our counterparts?”

“Yeah. I didn’t know much. Ambassador Spock really didn’t say much of anything to me about the other me. It was just a-a feeling I guess.”

Spock lay down beside him, also staring up at the ceiling. “A feeling?”

“That maybe they were…more than friends. At least for some of the time. I think…later in life. Not young.”

Spock nodded. “I believe you are correct. There were some of his belongings in a box that he left me upon his death that gave me that impression as well.”

“Do you think that’s why we are drawn to each other? Because of them? And not us?”

“There have been times when I would have gladly looked for such an excuse as to why I crave you as much as I do,” Spock said softly. “It comes from some universal constant. Surely that would explain the madness. In the end I believe they bonded and were t’hy’la. Brother, friend, lover, mates. There was a mind link between them, I believe, that they fought against. Specifically my counterpart. He went so far as to begin Kolinahr.”

“He told you all that?”

“There were some journals amongst his belongings as well as some personal conversations we had as he weakened.” Spock hesitated, and then said very carefully, “But you and I have no shared mind link to predispose us to being together. What brought them to be together had no direct collusion to what is between us.”

Jim thought about that for a long time in silence. “So, what you are saying is we aren’t drawn together because we must be.”

“That is exactly what I am saying. I believe the ambassador was of the opinion that you and I would follow their pattern and that we share the revered t’hy’la bond as they did, forever being drawn to each other’s sides.”

“But we share no special bond,” Jim whispered.

“We do not. In this universe and in this timeline, we have free will.”

“Is that why you chose her over me?”

Spock shook his head. “I was with Nyota before we ever met and in those initial meetings I did not exactly find you a positive influence.”

Jim laughed at that. Why the hell not? “You hated me, is what you did.”

“Hate is too strong a word for it, but I did find you somewhat distasteful.”

“Somewhat.”

“When I learned of our counterparts’ relationship and their bond, I did seek to discover if such a thing existed between the two of us.”

“And didn’t find it.” Jim nodded.

“Precisely. And yet…the reason I suspected that we did share a link was because I no longer found you at all distasteful.”

“And the reason for that must have been because we were predisposed as fated mates,” Jim guessed.

“That is what I believed. But when I discovered that was not the case, I realized that what I felt for you was all of my own doing and your own doing. There was no ancient bond leading me to you. It was all you leading me to you.”

Jim turned his face to Spock, watching him.

“My feelings for you became akin to an obsession,” Spock admitted. “And I felt it was an unhealthy one. Nyota was easy. She was pleasant to be with.”

“And I wasn’t.”

Spock hesitated, but then nodded. “You were not. The emotions you stirred in me were darker, more primal. Passion, desire. These I had never felt so intently. I could not push you entirely away, though perhaps I would have liked to at times, because having you as a friend was better than not. And yet as our mission was ending and Nyota suggested we bond in the Vulcan way and marry in the Human way, it seemed as though it was the answer to finally make dormant my feelings for you once and for all.”

Jim went back to looking at the ceiling. His chest hurt where his heart was supposed to beat.  “So you didn’t want to love me. How am I supposed to feel about that anyway?”

“I have no answer for that,” Spock admitted. “What I have done is likely beyond redemption. And yet I ask for it nonetheless.”

“And Yorktown?” He felt suddenly so tired, so exhausted, he wasn’t even sure he could move if a giant beast from Delta Vega suddenly appeared.

“I could no longer fight the love I had for you.”

“You mean the lust.”

“That was part of it,” Spock agreed. “I cannot deny I find you physically stimulating.”

“I used to daydream about bonding with you.” He felt Spock’s gaze on him as he swallowed heavily. “How that had to be the ultimate intimacy, sharing minds like that. And then…and then…you bonded with Uhura.”

Jim shook his head. “Right now I just want to punch you in the face. Do you know that? You turned my whole fucking world upside down on Yorktown. You made me want all over again when I didn’t want any more. And then you just left like I was nothing.”

“Jim—”

Jim sat up then. He guessed he could move after all. He slid off the hood of the car and to his feet. 

“You ask for redemption. I guess you want another chance. And funny thing is my head leaps at that. Thinks, ‘YES! Spock wants to be with me’. But here.” He thumped his chest. “It says run the fuck away. Far as you can get.”

He bowed his head. “I don’t know if you deserve that chance, Spock.” Jim exhaled very slowly and looked at the Vulcan. “I’d better go and check on her. Where’s the kid?”

“Asleep. And I have him alarmed as well.” Spock got off the car also. “Do you want me to leave?”

“Want you to? I don’t know anymore. But you will. You always walk away from me like everyone does.”


	11. Now My Life is Calling With No Way to Tell Where it's Going

Jim woke up bathed in sweat and achingly hard. He wondered, briefly, if he’d been dreaming, but then decided it didn’t really matter. He rarely remembered dreams these days. Once he had excruciating nightmares that wouldn’t go away. Now…even dreams escaped him.

He slid his hand down to his heavy cock, grasping it with rough, callused fingers that slid up and down the length, not gently, no frantically, just a steady tugging rhythm that had him spilling on his sheets within minutes.

He turned over onto his back, looking at the ceiling, though light hard barely begun to stream through the bedroom window, his fist still curled around his now flaccid penis. Absently he slid it up and down until it began to show signs of life once more.

Touching himself was the only relief Jim got these days. There were plenty of opportunities on Yorktown. Those who worked with him who were ambitious enough to think fucking around with the admiral would get them somewhere.  But Jim ignore them. He didn’t want interaction of that nature with anyone. Not now. So his hand had become familiar.

Jim reached over to the nightstand next to his bed and opened the drawer. He pulled out lubricant and a dildo. He moistened the fingers of the hand not working his cock with lubricant and inserted them into himself. He bit his lip over the tight sensation, biting back a moan. After stretching himself, he lubricated the dildo and pushed it inside himself in place of his fingers as he continued to work his now full erection.

It took him a little longer to find his release this second time, but the dildo being pushed and pulled in and out of his ass made the orgasm that more intense as he came all over, burying his cries with his pillow.

When his racing heart calmed, he rose out of bed on wobbly legs and pulled the sheets and blankets back in place before heading into the bathroom. He washed and dried the dildo, returning it to its spot in the drawer before going back into the bathroom for his shower.

It was still early when he emerged, dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt, from his bedroom. He was surprised, therefore, to find Sarvok standing in the hallway, holding on to that stuffed penguin he seemed so fond of. He was blinking rather warily at Jim.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?”

Sarvok continued to stare at Jim as though he were speaking a different language. Maybe he was.

“Does your Papa know where you are?”

Sarvok smiled. But that was all the answer Jim got.

He sighed. “Okay. Come with me.” He reached down and took hold of the boy’s tiny hand and headed for the stairs to take them downstairs.

It was clear when they made it to the kitchen that they were the only two up. There was a definite chill in the house and so Jim flicked on the heat before picking up the child and setting his little butt down on the countertop. Sarvok was wearing feety pajamas decorated with little tiny frogs all over them.

“So, kid, what do you eat and drink?”

“Milk. Cheerios.”

“Yeah? Okay. Um. Don’t move or anything.” Jim sighed. “God, I need coffee.” He lifted the boy off the counter and set him back on the floor. “Even I know you can’t leave a kid unattended.”

He went to the fridge and took out a carton of milk he guessed Spock must have bought.

“Jim,” Sarvok said.

Jim looked down at him. “Yeah?”

“I gotta pee.”

“Pee? Oh geez.” Jim took the kid’s hand and wondered what the hell Spock was doing anyway. He led Sarvok to the bathroom and turned on the light. “You know how to pee, right?”

“Right.” Sarvok looked down at his pajamas expectantly.

“Oh.” Jim bent down next to the child and undid his pajamas. “I see the flaw in these things. All right, go ahead.”

Sarvok stared at him.

“You want me to look away? Shy bladder, huh? All right.” Jim turned away, listening at the little tingle of pee hit the toilet bowl. Without turning around, he asked, “Are you finished?”

“Yes.”

Jim turned and led him to the sink. “Wash your hands.”

As the boy did so, Jim redid his pajamas.

“All right, come on. Let’s get your breakfast.”

They returned to the kitchen and Jim set up Sarvok with milk and cheerios he’d also found Spock had bought. He was just fixing his own coffee when Spock came running down the stairs, hair standing on end.

“Sarvok!”

Jim shook his head. “Calm down, Spock. He’s right there.” He pointed at the kid happily stuffing cheerios into his mouth.

Spock flushed green and hurried to his son. “Sarvok, you are not to leave our room without telling me.”

“Okay.”

“Papa was worried.”

“Jim,” Sarvok said, pointing to Jim.

“Thank you for attending him.”

“Nah, it was nothing.”

“Nevertheless, it was not my intention to add to your burden,” Spock said quietly.

Jim snorted at that and let himself smile as he took a sip of his coffee. “I helped him pee and gave him cheerios. I managed.”

There was a knock on the door and for a minute Jim frowned, trying to figure out who it could be. Then he suddenly realized. “That’ll be the nurse for Mom. I forgot she was coming.”

He went to the door and opened it to a very young and pretty blonde.

“Admiral Kirk?” she greeted him with excessive enthusiasm.

“Yeah.”

“I’m Kristen. Marcy Baker’s daughter. Doc Farnsworth sent me.”

Jim was reminded by her fresh face and folksiness that he was in Riverside. Not that he could ever forget, really.

“Come on in, Kristen.”

She brushed past him with a cheery smile and a large medical bag. “And may I say, sir, that it’s such an honor to meet you. You’re a legend.”

His lips twitched. “Hardly a legend.”

“Oh, you are, sir. I admire you greatly.” She turned as they entered the kitchen and her smile brightened when she caught sight of Sarvok sitting next to where Spock stood. “Oh, and who’s this?”

“Friends. Spock and his son, Sarvok.”

“Oh, Spock. Sir.” Kristen nodded. “I know of you, too, of course. My brother is in Starfleet Academy and he talks about both of you all the time. He’s going to be so jealous.”

“Ms. Baker,” Spock greeted her.

“Kristen, please.” She turned back to Jim. “If you’d like, I’ll go and wake your mother and see to her morning needs.”

“I think I’d better do it, actually. For this first time. It might startle her to be awakened by a stranger. Help yourself to some coffee.”

Jim went down the hallway to his mother’s room. He tapped lightly on the door and opened it after a brief pause.

“Mom?”

She sat up in bed. “George? George, is that you?”

He went to the bed and sat on the edge. “No, Mom. It’s Jim.”

Her eyes crinkled in confusion. “Jim?”

“Your son. George-George, your husband, is dead, Mom. Remember?’

Her gaze went to his, then her face crumbled. “Dead?”

“Yeah.” He put his hand to her face. “I’m Jim.”

“Jim,” she whispered. Then started crying. She leaned against him. “Jim.”

He put his arms around her. “Yes.”

“I-I can’t remember his face sometimes, you know? I try and nothing comes.”

“It’s okay, Mom. You don’t have to try so hard.”

“It’s not okay. Memories are all I have of him.” She sobbed. “And now those are going too.”

Jim closed his eyes, swallowing over the lump of emotion he suddenly felt. What happened to his numbness? He was supposed to feel numb.

“I hate this, Jim. I hate this. I just want to die.”

And Jim couldn’t blame her. How could he?

He stroked her hair. “Hold on.”

He got up and went to her dresser and removed the framed holopic. He brought it back over to her.

“See, Mom. This is Dad. This is you and Dad. Remember?”

It was a photo of the two them on the PX70 she’d told him about years before. They were both smiling, their hair blowing in the wind.

He handed it to her. “See?”

She traced her fingers over it. “Used to drive me crazy.”

“Yeah.” He smiled. Tucked her hair behind her ear. “The nurse Doctor Farnsworth sent is here. Name’s Kristen.”

She nodded. “Guess I need to make myself presentable.”

He kissed her forehead. “I’ll help you.”

When he went to get up, she clutched at him.

“I love you, Jimmy.”

“I know you do, Mom.” He rose and kissed the top of her head.


	12. And It's Been a While Since I Can Say That I Wasn't Addicted

Jim took the first puff of the cigarette just as the door to the house opened and for a moment he expected it to be his shadow, Spock. So he was just slightly surprised when it was the nurse, Kristen. He eyed her with suspicion. Pretty much the way he eyed anyone these days.

“Smoking is terrible for you,” she said cheerfully.

“No offense, Kristen, but you’re here for my mother not me.”

“None taken, Admiral. It’s still terrible for you.”

His lips twitched ever so slightly. She was cute, this girl, with her dark hair and bright blue eyes. But that’s all she was. A mere girl. “I don’t really smoke.”

She arched a sculpted brow at him in a pretty decent imitation of Spock, actually.

“I used to. Long time ago. I gave it up in space. But here…” He dropped it to the ground and stomped on it until it went out and watched rather bemused as Kristen reached down to pick it up.

“Littering is wrong,” she explained.

“I don’t think I was ever like you.”

“How so, sir?”

“Earnest, I guess.” He shook his head and looked away over the fields.

“You make it sound like something bad,” Kristen said softly. “Your mama is taking a nap. I fed her, bathed her, and played some Go Fish with her. She did well.”

“Well, I don’t think Go Fish is terribly complicated.”

She gave him a reproachful look. “Anything can be when you’re struggling to get back to normal.”

“Yeah.” He felt the reprimand in her words and knew he deserved it. “Will she, do you think?”

“Will she what?”

“Get back to normal.”

“As normal as I can get her, anyway,” Kristen replied. “The stroke did some neurological damage. Therapy can help with some of it, certainly, but not all.”

Jim nodded and moved over to the side of the house where there were chairs. As he expected, she followed him and sat too. “So, truthfully, she won’t be able to do this on her own ever again. Is that what you’re saying?”

Kristen hesitated but then slowly nodded. “The worse thing I think you can do for a patient’s family is give them false hope, Admiral. Considering how massive the stroke was, she’s doing extremely well, but that doesn’t mean she’ll be capable of staying by herself and seeing to all her own needs.”

Jim leaned his head back on the chair. “I could take her to Yorktown with me. But she wants to stay in this shithole.” He blew out a breath. “So that leaves out an assisted living kind of place. My options are hire someone to stay with her here or retire and take care of her myself.”

“What do you want to do?”

Go away. Disappear. Never be heard from again by anyone. Cease to exist, maybe. He said none of that out loud, but this-this was what he felt.

“I don’t want to stay here,” he admitted.

“It doesn’t have good memories for you.”

He snorted at that. “Understatement of the century. How’s your mom?” He straightened to look at her. He could see he surprised her with the abrupt change of subject.

“Oh. She’s doing good. She talks about you, you know.”

“Yeah? What does she say?”

“About how when you guys were young you were an item.”

Jim smirked. “An item?”

Kristen nodded, blushing slightly. “My brother and I think she made that up. Because you’re famous. And everyone wants to say they slept with a famous person. Plus it’s something she’d say to piss off my dad.”

“Did it? Piss him off?”

She smiled slightly. “Yeah but she probably regretted egging him on most of the time. Dad used to beat us pretty good. Or I guess pretty bad.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Can’t say any of us were sorry when he dropped dead of a heart attack. Too much drinking and stuff.” Kristen stared off into the distance. “When I was really little I used to imagine you were my daddy.”

“Me?” he asked, startled.

“Sure. Who wouldn’t want James Tiberius Kirk as their father over Dumb Joe Titan?  There’s a reason I go by Baker. Don’t want anything to do with him. Never did, never will.”

“I get that. I really do.”

“So…she lied right? You two never slept together.”

Jim shook his head. “We did, actually. A time or two. Nothing serious. But she was a little older than me so, um, well, yeah. I was kind of a dick back then. I’d come back from-from a really miserable place and I hated everything and everybody. Marcy was nice to me.”

“Wow,” Kristen said, her lips parted in awe. “All this time I thought she was making it up. Damn. Wait until I tell my brother.”

Jim laughed at that. “Trust me, Kristen. I’m nothing special.”

“Sure you are. I told you, you’re a legend. All the things you’ve done. How many times you’ve saved Earth and other planets. You saved Yorktown.”

“A long time ago now.”

She fell silent for a time. “And Commander Spock?”

“What about him?”

“I think he likes you.”

“It’s complicated,” Jim told her.

Kristen nodded. “Most things are.”

“What about you? Can you think of someone to stay with my mother?”

“I can ask around. I’d do it myself but I don’t know. I think my boyfriend may be asking me to marry him and if that happens, we’ll probably leave Riverside.”

“Everyone leaves Riverside.”

****

“Ms. Baker seems efficient,” Spock said to him that night after Jim came out of his mother’s room once he got her settled into bed.

“Yeah, I like her. She’s good. And pretty nice too if a little bit too chatty.”

“I did notice she spent some time outside speaking with you.”

“A little hero worship, I think.”

Spock nodded. “Understandable.”

Jim went into the kitchen. “Is it?”

“Yes.”

“Apparently she wished I was her daddy as a little girl.” Jim started to make himself and Spock tea.

“Is it possible?” Spock asked with such curiosity, Jim glanced at him.

“Anything’s possible. Her mom and I did have sex a few times way back when.” Jim thought of Kristen’s bright blue eyes. “Yeah, it’s possible.”

“Would her mother have withheld such information?”

Jim handed Spock a cup of tea, then reached for the one he made himself. “I would have if I were her. Especially at that time.” He shrugged. “Who knows? She’s better off without me as her father, that much I know.” Never mind that her father had been abusive according to her. Jim would have made a terrible, absentee dad. He hadn’t wanted kids. He didn’t even like children. Hadn’t liked himself as one even. “Where’s your kid?”

“Sarvok has been put to bed.”

Jim nodded. He leaned against the counter and eyed Spock. It hurt to look at the Vulcan because even now, no matter how deeply he buried it, the love was there. And the overwhelming desire, too. Right that minute he wanted to crawl all over Spock, crush his lips to his, fuck him until they both lay on the floor bleeding.

“Now I have a decision to make.”

Spock tilted his head. “And what is that?”

“Do I give up Yorktown to become a gentleman farmer?”

“You would do that?”

He held Spock’s gaze. “Yorktown has some pretty bad memories for me.”

“Jim.”

He took a sip of tea. “Spock.”

“I cannot express my regret for what happened between us enough.”

“You could try.”

“Jim—”

“Regrets are illogical, Spock. And yet…I regret what happened too.”

Spock didn’t respond, merely started at Jim as if he was looking down deep, searching for Jim’s soul.

“I wish I’d never let you touch me,” Jim said softly. “It’s like a brand on my skin. And no matter how many times I try to wash it off-wash you off-I still feel you. I remember just the way you taste. And I-I hate that.” He put down the tea cup. He needed to go to bed before he really did crawl over Spock. He’d regret it in the morning. And hell, he couldn’t go t _here_ again. “Goodnight, Spock.”  

Jim made to move past Spock but as he did, Spock’s hand reached out and ensnared his wrist.


	13. I Need the Darkness the Sweetness the Sadness the Weakness

Spock had seen a lot of hard looks in Jim’s blue eyes before, some aimed at him, most aimed at others, but this one, this icy stare, chilled him.

“I think you’d better let go of my wrist, Spock.”

And Spock…should. He knew that. But his heart thumped desperately and all his carefully built controls threatened to crumble, leaving him bleeding in a way he thought he would never recover from. Jim’s pulse thrummed against Spock’s fingers, slow and steady, as he continued to lock gazes with Spock.

“Jim,” he beseeched.

That hard gaze did not flicker. “You don’t get to say my name like that anymore.”

“I-I cannot help it. I would-I would do as you say—as you demand, but I find I am unable.”

“Let go,” Jim said so softly that Spock actually had to strain to hear.

Spock had no choice, even though he wished to draw Jim’s wrist back as soon as his fingers slipped away, he did not.

“Jim, I need—”

Jim suddenly stepped so close that Spock was surprised enough to take a stumbling step backward. His eyes widened involuntarily.

“Is that what this is about, Spock? What _you_ need?” His gaze sharpened. “You aren’t in Pon Farr, are you?”

Spock blinked. “No. No. I am not, Jim. No.”

Jim nodded, slowly, as though he was still thinking about it. Finally that hardened, glacial gaze slid away from Spock’s so that he felt he could get a tiny bit of bearings.

Spock swallowed heavily. “Will you allow me to touch your hand?”

Jim’s gaze flitted back but the hard edge had softened and Spock resisted the urge to sigh in relief. Jim’s coldness at times was never something Spock had been comfortable with. He didn’t turn that icy demeanor on Spock often but when he did…Spock despised it. Even while understanding it came from very dark parts of Jim’s past.

“Why?”

“Touching you right now…it will give me comfort.” Spock was loathe to admit it and yet, even now, he found it impossible not to speak the truth to Jim. They were past all else at this point. “I suspect that a meld will be something you are opposed to, so I seek contact with your hand.”

Spock was filled with near dizzying gratitude when Jim place his hand toward Spock, palm out. With a hand he forced not to shake, Spock curled his fingers around Jim’s warm, callused palm, drawing his hand toward Spock’s body and cradling it against his abdomen. Jim did not stop him.  

“What exactly does this do for you?” Jim asked, his tone conversational.

“Your light leads me,” Spock said simply.

“I don’t know what that means.”

Spock nodded. “You are las’hark. The sun. My light. Touching you as I am right now, in many ways, gives me more peace than hours of meditation.”

Jim didn’t pull away but his mouth did twist. “You have a funny way of dousing out that light.”

“Yes,” Spock agreed. He traced his fingers over the lines of Jim’s palm. “Sometimes it is too bright for me and I shrink from it.” He shook his head at his own foolishness. “I am no Vulcan poet.”

“Are there such things?”

“Once back before logic became our way, yes. Now many of our ancient texts were destroyed when Vulcan was. Though some copies exist in memory banks.” He stepped closer to Jim. “I do not wish to speak of Vulcan or what has been. Not the distant past anyway. I would prefer to focus on you and what can be, in the future.”

“You think it’s that easy?”

“I have already admitted there is nothing easy about you. About you and me. It is just…us. Raw and hard and broken.”

Spock’s fingertips slipped up to touch Jim’s.

“I feel more for you than I have ever felt for anything or anyone in my existence. At times I have hated it.”

“And that’s why you left on Yorktown.”

“It is.”

“And you’ll hate it again,” Jim said quietly. “And I’ll pay for it. You can’t keep dragging me around like some rag doll you toss aside when it suits you.”

He moved his fingers to Jim’s palm again, slipping them up and down the flesh there, lowering his shields even as he did so. He was hit was a rush of emotions that came from Jim so potent that Spock gasped, his eyes meeting Jim’s who just stared at him, too intently for Spock to breathe.

Such deep anguish. A sense of despondency that it was hard to reconcile with. Love was there, beneath it all, love for Spock, still, that was aching and bleeding, just as he’d said.

“You…want to die,” Spock managed to get out, though it was beyond painful to say.

“I’d gain my freedom from everything then, wouldn’t I?” It was said without inflection, without even a hint of feeling behind it.

“I have done this.”

Lashes lowered over Jim’s extraordinary eyes.  “It’s just…so much. Everything. I can’t take it anymore.”

Though he had not been given permission by Jim, Spock could not prevent himself from  using Jim’s hand to pull him closer and then, with as much gentility as he could muster, wrapped his arms around Jim so that he was flush against Spock.

“Ashaya,” he whispered, lightly resting his face against Jim’s hair.

“You used that word on Yorktown.”

“It is a Vulcan endearment.”

“Who would have guessed Vulcans used endearments,” Jim muttered.

“Jim—”

“Spock.” Jim pulled back enough to look at him. “I’m tired. Really tired. Exhausted even. And I’m feeling like ridiculously vulnerable here. And I really hate that with just a few words you can fuck with my head like this.”

“That is not my intention. I love you.”

“Love isn’t enough.” His gaze bore into Spock. ”It wasn’t for you. You chose someone else over me.”

“A mistake.”

“Being with me again would be a mistake, Spock.”

“No.”

The light in Jim’s eyes dimmed again and Spock dreaded the ice he expected to replace the warmth, so he was surprised when instead Jim’s fingers clutched at the collar of his sweater and he yanked him close, right to his lips, right to that mouth that would be in Spock’s dreams until he died.

And then Jim kissed him with such intensity, such naked fervor, Spock was lost to madness.


	14. As If I'm Becoming Untouchable

The kiss he gave Spock was not at all gentle but it was needy. He didn't want gentleness. Didn’t want love. He wanted naked, brutal lust. And he wanted it right now. From Spock.

He tore his mouth away just long enough to demand, “Fuck me.”

Jim went in to crush Spock’s lips under his once more but Spock’s fingers dug into his biceps as he stopped Jim’s motion forward.

“Jim, I do not think making love right now is wise.”

Jim scoffed. “Making love? Please. That’s not my intention. I wanna fuck.”

“Jim—”

“Shut up,” Jim ground out. “This is about fucking. That’s what we do, Spock. We fuck. That’s the only thing the two of us are good at together.” Jim cupped Spock’s crotch and squeezed. “And don’t even try to lie. You want me. I know you want it. You want to fuck me right here on this table.”

“Jim—” Spock tried again.

Jim shook his head and reached for the zipper of Spock’s pants, sliding it down. “I told you to shut up.” Once the zipper was lowered, Jim shoved his hand down Spock’s pants, past his underwear, and closed his fingers around Spock’s hardening dick. “Gonna lie now, Spock? Gonna say you don’t want to fuck?”

“No. I always—”

”Stop it. Don’t say anything else. I don’t want to hear that crap. I don’t want to hear you always want me. None of that matters. What matters is you’re going to fuck me now.” Jim pulled Spock’s now fully aroused cock out of his pants, rubbing his thumb over the double ridges.

Then Jim released Spock and jumped up onto the dining room table. He toed off his shoes and then yanked off his own pants and briefs as quickly as possible. Spock had fallen silent, his dark eyes zeroing in on Jim’s now bare ass and exposed hole. 

“You have had no preparation,” Spock whispered, but there was an unmistakable hoarseness to his voice, even as Jim watched him take a step closer.

“You self-lubricate.”

“Not enough. If it has been a while then—”

“I want it to hurt,” Jim ground out. “Quit stalling and do it. Fuck me hard. I want it dirty and messy and desperate.”

And he knew Spock did too. For all his Vulcan stoicism, he could see the animalist glint in Spock’s chocolate eyes. The reserved, logical Vulcan wanted to hold back. Maybe even the barely contained human side did, too. But the Vulcan part that was still pre-reform? Well, that Spock wanted to take what Jim offered and more.

Spock didn’t bother to free himself of the rest of his clothes, which was good. Jim didn’t want that. He just wanted Spock to fuck him. Having all his clothes on just made it sluttier somehow.

Strong Vulcan fingers gripped his thighs and spread him open on the table. Jim’s breath hitched. And when Spock finally slammed into him, Jim couldn’t hold back the ragged moan torn from his lips as his ass burned at the intrusion.     

He gripped the table edge, rising up to take the Vulcan cock fully inside him, even as tears from the pain sprung to his eyes. Spock pressed in deeper still, almost too deep, Jim felt almost as though he was being ripped apart, but he welcomed it. Wanted the pain. Wasn’t numb yet.

Spock’s grip closed around Jim’s achingly hard cock and he keened, feeling feverish as his entire body pulsed. Spock growled low as he pumped Jim’s ass. He was vaguely aware of the table squeaking and moving slightly as they continued to fuck.

It was messy and nasty and not at all gentle, just like he wanted it. Once, Spock tried to lean over to kiss him, but Jim moved away, and Spock didn’t try again.

Feeling a powerful release speeding up on him, Jim moved his left hand off the table and shoved it into his mouth, biting down hard, to keep the screams from waking the house and all of Riverside besides. But even as cum splattered everywhere and Spock went wild coming inside him, the table knocked into a chair and sent it crashing to the floor.

Sarvok began to cry from somewhere distant, probably upstairs, and Jim shoved hard at Spock.

“Your kid’s crying.”

Spock didn’t move at first, still lodged inside Jim. But as the kid’s cries got louder, Jim continued to push Spock.

“Get off me.”

Spock withdrew, standing and looking more than a little confused and dazed. “Jim.”

Jim sat up and reached for his clothes. “You got what you wanted, now get lost.”

He ignored the hurt that flashed briefly across Spock’s face. He wanted Spock to hurt. To bleed. Just like him.

The hurt look passed quickly and Spock turned to do up his pants. When he turned back to Jim, his expression was devoid of any hint of what he was feeling.

“Are you…injured?” Spock asked stiffly.

“Nothing I can’t handle.”

He looked like he wanted to say more, but he looked toward the stairs, then nodded and excused himself.

Jim sort of cleaned up and got re-dressed. He thought of checking on his mother, but the truth was, if she was awake, he didn’t want to deal with her. And he felt like the piece of shit he was for feeling that way.

He picked up the chair and then went to the coatrack, grabbing his leather jacket off a peg. What he needed was a goddamn drink. Or several. He couldn’t stay in this house. It was suffocating him.

****

The bar he ended up at was not one of the nicer ones in town. He’d deliberately picked a shithole. The kind of place he belonged in. The one that used to be there all those years ago when he first met Uhura, Cupcake, and Pike, well, that one was gone now. Closed a few years back. Good riddance.

This one was dark and desolate. It smelled of urine and other bodily fluids. Patrons did illicit drugs here. It was a place to go when you wanted to live dangerously. Nothing remotely cozy about it.

Without even bothering to sit, Jim ordered a double whiskey and downed it quickly, the burn of his throat matching the burn of his ass, his mind, and heart. Maybe if he were lucky he’d burn the fuck down.

He took a seat on the far end of the bar on a cracked and faded bar stool and ordered another one.

“Well, hell.”

Jim glanced at the woman who had sauntered up to him. He scrunched up his nose, trying to recall her. She looked familiar but—

She rolled her eyes and took the seat next to him. “Marcy Baker. Kristen’s mother. She’s looking after your mother.”

“Marcy,” Jim tried out the name.

“Don’t tell me you don’t remember me, Jimmy.”

“Oh. I remember.” He eyed her. Her once long dark hair was cut short and liberally streaked with gray. There were lines around her mouth and eyes. “You look good.”

Marcy laughed. “You said that with a straight face and everything. I look like hell. This is what hard living does.” She tilted her head at him. “But you…you look good. Gorgeous even. I hate you, you bastard.”

Jim shook his head. “It’s just in the genes.”

“Kristen said she talked to you.”

“Well, she’s working there, isn’t she?”

“Hm. She thinks you’re awesome.”

Jim snorted. “Is she my kid?”

Marcy accepted the bourbon the bartender gave her. “Do you want her to be?”

Jim looked away. “I don’t want any kids. They’re not my thing.”

“Then she’s not.”

Jim looked back at her, trying to read her. She just raised both her brows at him. “It can’t be that easy.”

“Sure it can. You know whose kid she is? Mine. I never gave a rat’s ass for who her sperm donor was.” Marcy shrugged. “And anyway, I don’t even know. Not like I ever got her tested. Or that you were the only one I fucked then.”

“That’s true.”

She reached into her purse and took out a small box. She removed little pills out of it and set several down in front of Jim.

“What are these?”

“Little pills of heaven from Mardel.”

“Mardel? Those are illegal.”

“I know.” Marcy smiled and stuck several in her mouth and then swallowed them with the bourbon.

“Kristen can’t approve of that.”

“I’m the mother. She doesn’t get to dictate my life, Jimmy.” She smirked. “Try them. You’ll like them.”

He looked down at the four pills in front of him. What the hell? If they killed him, so fucking what? He scooped them up and shoved them in his mouth, downing the whiskey with them.

“Good boy,” Marcy said with a lascivious grin. She put her hands on his leg. “You feel as good as you look. It’s been a long time since I got fucked by someone of your caliber.”

“As pickup lines go, that needs work,” he told her.

She pouted. “Oh, come on, Jimmy. We can walk to my place. Spend the night.”

And fuck if he wasn’t tempted. His mind was full of Spock. Obviously it had been a mistake to fuck Spock. Not that he’d ever really get Spock out of his system.

It wasn’t fucking fair. He didn’t even get to be special to Spock like the other Kirk had been to the ambassador. They didn’t have some kind of special epic bond. Or so Spock said anyway. And why would Jim think otherwise? Jim wasn’t special to anyone.

“All right,” he agreed, sliding off the stool. His head felt light suddenly, freer, and he heard laughter. Realized it was from him.

Marcy joined him in laughing and linked her arm with his. “See, those pills are working, right? You feel invincible?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

She helped him from the bar or maybe he helped her. What did it matter? And she was right, her house wasn’t far. Maybe two streets down.

“Fuck, this is the same damn house you grew up in!”

Marcy laughed and tugged him forward. “Of course. I never left Riverside and when my parents died, I took over the place.”

Jim stopped and stared at the house, it was run down and dumpy. “You never left?”

“Nope.”

He glanced at her. “You wanted to. You used to talk about being a beauty queen and marrying some famous diplomat and living on Risa.”

Marcy flung her arms around his neck. “That never happened, obviously. I had Kristen.” She shrugged. “Life happens and changes your plans.”

“She’s a good kid.”

“She sure is. I did something right. She’s better than I ever was.” She kissed him. “Come on. Come inside so we can fuck.”

He opened his mouth to say okay, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, he pulled her arms off him and stepped back. “I can’t.”

“What? Why?”

“This-this isn’t my life anymore. I hate fucking Riverside. I hate Frank. I had my mom. I hate Sam.” He took a step back. “I hate you.”

“Well fuck you too, Jimmy.”

“There’s someone I…care about. I don’t want to. You have no idea how much. But I do. And I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” He turned around. Too fast because he felt suddenly dizzy.

“Where are you going?” Marcy demanded.

“I guess…home.”

She continued to yell at him and even began cursing but Jim ignored her and just kept walking. He didn’t even know if he was going in the right direction. His head felt kind of like it was filled with cotton and his legs felt like spaghetti.

When he fell in the road, he didn’t even bother to try to get up. He just sort of turned onto his back, trying to pretend the rocks that had dug into his palms as he fell didn’t fucking hurt. He stared up at the stars.  That’s where he should be. Not lying in the middle of Riverside drugged out of his mind. And not on fucking Yorktown either. On a starship. On the Enterprise.

But that wasn’t his life anymore.

Spock wasn’t his first officer.

And Bones…he was gone too.

Eventually everyone left Jim.

He heard the sound of a vehicle approaching but he didn’t bother to move. Wasn’t even sure if he could.

“What in all that’s holy are you doing lying in the middle of the damn road?”

Jim blinked up at the figure standing over him. “I was hoping you’d run me over.”

“Still have absolutely no sense!”

“What the fuck are you doing here anyway?”

“The hell if I know.” A hand reached down and Jim was pulled to his feet. Light was shined into his eyes. “What the hell are you on, Jim?”

“Bones.” Jim’s eyes rolled back and he went limp.  


	15. Every Time You Let Yourself Bleed, You Wonder What You're Fighting For

He woke to a firm slap on his cheek.

Bones’ face swam in front of him.

“Jim!”

Jim swatted at air. “Go away.”

Something was pressed into his skin, just on the top of his shoulder.

“Fuck me.”

“ _Wake up_.”

Air filled his lungs and he shot up straight in the air. The room, wherever he was, was far too bright. He squinted and tried to block his eyes.

“Lights dim,” Bones voice ordered.

Jim realized he was lying in a bed. Well, sitting up now. And it was not at all comfortable. His back was exposed and about the middle of it, there were strings tied together.

“I’d better not be in a hospital.”

“That’s exactly where you are.” Hands pushed at him to lie back down. Then the hospital bed was raised so that he was glaring right into the face of Leonard McCoy.

“What the fuck? I was lying in the road.”

“Your flair for the dramatic hasn’t changed I see,” Bones said. “In case you haven’t figured it out, I picked you up out of the road and brought you here. What were you trying to do? Get yourself killed? Wait. Don’t answer that.”

“Should have left me there.”

“Probably. But I didn’t. You’re still detoxing by the way.”

Jim frowned. “Detoxing?”

“So many drugs in your system I lost count.” Bones sat on the edge of the bed. 

He looked away. “I thought I told you to stay away.”

“You did. But I often don’t listen to you.”

“When did you ever?” Jim muttered.

“Spock’s here.”

“In Riverside? I know.”

“At the hospital.”

“I don’t care.””

Bones watched him in silence for a moment. “Sure.”

“And for the record, I don’t care about you being here either. Except to tell you to go the fuck away.”

“Well, see, I did that once. Made that mistake. Figured, hell, maybe that’s exactly what he wants me to do. Go away and never darken his door again. So I did. And I walked right into your trap.”

This time Jim looked at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah you do. I left you. Just like you always knew I would. And I fell for it hook line and sinker. Spock did it too. And even though you always knew we would in here.” Bones leaned in close and tapped Jim’s head. “Here, you felt betrayed.” He touched Jim’s chest.

“You‘ve got it wrong,” Jim said quietly.

“Do I?”

He swallowed. “Yeah.” He tapped his chest, where his heart still beat, surprisingly. “This is where I knew you would leave.” He touched his head. “This is where I felt betrayed.”

He was a little surprised when tears sprang immediately to Bones’ eyes. Maybe they’d been waiting for that all along. But he was immune to tears. Immune to all emotions really.

Wasn’t he?

“I’ll regret for the rest of my life that I failed your test, Jim,” Bones said. “And based on how Spock looks I’m thinking you’re already torturing him for his failures.”

Jim gripped the blankets on the bed and twisted them in his fingers. “You don’t care about Spock. You were the one who told me he was my biggest mistake. Remember?”

“You tried to kill yourself over him. I was pretty distraught over that.”

“Well.” Jim shrugged. “You may have been right anyway.”

Bones wiped his face by running his hand over it. “I don’t know. You two danced around each other for so many years. I thought you’d get together when we were still on the ship but you never did. And then he married Uhura and—”

“I know all that, Bones.”

He sighed. “Yeah, I guess you do. You don’t love him now then?”

Jim closed his eyes and shook his head.

“He wants to come in and see you.”

“I fucked him,” Jim whispered without opening his eyes.

“Yeah,” was all Bones said. He felt Bones get off the bed. “I’m sending him in. I’m going to check on your meal that’s supposed to be coming.”

“How long do I have to stay here?”

“Until I say so.”

Jim opened his eyes. “My mother—”

“The nurse is with her. Kristen?” Jim nodded. “Yeah, her. She’s taking care of her.”

He watched Bones walk out of his hospital room, bracing himself to see Spock. When the Vulcan came in, he was dressed in charcoal gray. Very monochromatic. And he looked so sever and serious, Jim almost felt something. He shut it down quick.

“You are feeling better?” Spock asked with pronounced politeness.

“Not really. Where’s the kid?”

“I met my father at the shuttle bay this morning so that he could care for Sarvok.”

“Your dad’s here?”

“Negative. He took Sarvok with him. Presently, they are on their way to San Francisco where my father has duties at present.”

“You didn’t have to do that, Spock. You could have gone with them.”

Spock nodded. “I am sure that would have been your pretended preference. At the moment, Sarvok is too great a distraction to my purpose here. I was not being fair to either him or to you. Since Nyota is not a present able to care for him, my father was the logical choice.”

“Look. Spock. I owe you an apology, I guess.”

“For what?” The eyebrow went up.

“Earlier. I-I shouldn’t have…”

“You refer to the rough sex between us.” Spock’s voice was flat.

He felt himself flush in spite of all wishes to the contrary. “Yeah.”

“I do not object to any form of copulation between us.”

Jim couldn’t look at him. So he looked beyond him, over his shoulder. “It wasn’t right. And, really, it wasn’t about you. I didn’t even want to have sex with you,” he said bluntly.

“I see.”

“It was about…power. And using you. And making a point.” He took a deep breath and then let it out. “I hate myself. And my life. And really everything about it and about me. But I had no right to take any of that out on you. What we…we almost were to each other is in the past. It has no bearing on now. I was a dick.”

“I understand,” Spock said softly.

Jim looked at him then. “Do you?”

Spock nodded. “This is yet another attempt to dismiss me and urge me to depart. I will not be giving in to your manipulations. I am not going anywhere, Jim.”

His jaw tightened. “You really should.”

“Perhaps. But I will not.”

“Fuck. Why are you being so stubborn?”

“Why are you?” Spock returned.

“Why can’t you get it through your head that I don’t want you here? I don’t want you in my life. I don’t want _you_ , Spock.”

Spock flinched ever so slightly. Someone not familiar with him might not even notice. But Jim was so very familiar with him. “I will not leave.”

“Spock—”

“No one has the ability to flay me with their tongue like you. No one else can provoke the anguish from me that you do. And no one has lit the way of my very existence the way that you have. You are my light. My sun. My las’hark. And though you would burn me with your radiance and your cruelty, I will not be sent away. I have failed you as no other ever has or ever will. For that I will pay whatever penance you deem fit. Except for that.”

The door of his room opened again and Bones came in carrying a tray of food. He glanced at Spock who stood staring at Jim and then Jim who stared right back.

“Uh.”

Spock turned then and exited his room without another word.

Jim blinked, then looked down at his hands, clenched tightly in the blankets.

“Jim?”

He closed his eyes again. “It’s nothing.”


	16. You Hold Me in Your Hands

“I hate this,” Jim declared as he walked along a garden path at the hospital, Spock by his side.

“The sun?”

“No. This.” He gestured to himself and Spock. “Why do I have to be escorted like, I don’t know, I’m some sort of criminal?”

“That is hardly the case, Jim,” Spock said patiently. “You expressed a desire to walk and I expressed a desire to accompany you.”

“I don’t even need to be here. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“The doctor does not agree.”

“Well, what the fuck anyway? He’s not even my doctor anymore and he thinks he can just come in and take over my life? It’s bullshit.” He eyed Spock. “You know it is.”

Spock shook his head. “I will not be pitted against the doctor.” He stopped before a bench in the shade. “Shall we sit?”

Jim blew out a breath and sat down. Spock sat close to him. Nearly on him really. But if Jim scooted over he’d fall off the bench. And he thought about demanding Spock move over but decided what was the point? Spock would do as Spock would do, like always.

“Why are you here?” he asked grumpily.

“Because I love you.”

“Ha. You sure had a funny way of showing it.”

Spock did not reply for a while. He just stared out over the grounds.  “As I have said, I have been taught my entire life that regrets are illogical, and yet I regret my past behavior toward you. Toward her.”

Jim said nothing. Or he tried to, but he couldn’t seem to keep his mouth shut. Never could. “Why her? She won, didn’t she?”

“I have never viewed myself as the prize in a contest,” Spock said slowly. “There was no battle to be won.”

“Wasn’t there?”

“Except with myself. I regret my past with Nyota because I was never able to give her what she deserved. There were always other considerations even before I met you. At first I kept our relationship because it was easy. But it never really was. It was always difficult to love her and be loved by her. And then I kept our relationship to hide the depth of my feelings for you. I fell for you not because we were fated lovers and bondmates, because we were not, but because you are brilliant, loyal, kind, heroic, passionate, and alluring. You have no equal amongst Humans and I, like my father before me, and my counterpart, am drawn to Humans. The intensity of my own passion for you has been my undoing in many ways. And the pain and harm I have caused you because of my own battles and demons is my greatest regret and shame of all.”

Spock moved his hand toward Jim’s, his fingers stretched, and really Jim wanted to be a dick about it, he really did, but he was feeling so raw and exposed, and too damn vulnerable. He met Spock’s fingers with his own. Allowed Spock to stroke them together, warm, and soft.

“I would do anything for you,” Spock said quietly. “I’d give up my entire life. I would forsake my son.”

“Spock.”

“It is true.”

Jim shook his head and closed his eyes, even as Spock still stroked his fingers. “I would never ask that of you. What kind of complete prick would I be to do that?”

“You have every right to demand anything and everything from me.”

“Not that.”

Spock used his other hand to cup Jim’s jaw and turn his face toward Spock’s own. “ _I need you_. Beyond anything or anybody. I have told you that you are my light. Without you I would dwell in darkness and wasteland.”

Jim grimaced. “I’m not sure that’s very healthy.”

Spock nodded. “It is not. I am in full agreement that it is entirely unhealthy. But kaiidth. I have spent so much of my life suppressing my feelings, suppressing you. Has that truly been the better way? I think not.”

His hand dropped from Jim’s face, but he kept his other hand, now covering Jim’s.

“I don’t know what to do with all this,” Jim admitted. “I’m still so-so—”

“Angry?”

“Yes. And lost. And bitter. And hurt.” Jim looked down at their joined hands. “I love you. You’re a part of me and even though I’ve tried to destroy that part, I can’t. I don’t…I can’t trust you, Spock. It’s too hard.”

Spock curled his fingers around Jim’s palm.

“Where does that leave us?” Jim wondered.

“It leaves me by your side.”

He sighed. “You’re still so damn stubborn.”

“I want to be your lover, your husband, your mate. But if that is not acceptable to you, I will be your companion, your friend, your brother.”

“We’re not t’hy’la, remember?”

“What we are, is yes, t’hy’la. We may not have shared a long forgotten bond that connected us,” Spock said, as he moved his hand from Jim’s hand to Jim’s chest. “But here,” then he moved his hand to his side, “and here, we are linked. Forever.”

Jim looked away. “Those are pretty words.”

“They are sincere, whether you doubt them or not.” Spock paused. “T’hy’la.”

“Spock.” He was weary of holding himself stiff and upright, and he found himself giving in, and leaning against Spock’s shoulder. “You need a bond, right? And I don’t-I don’t know if I can ever do that.”

Spock didn’t respond for a while and when he did his voice was very soft and low, “I do not need a bond. I prefer one, but I do not need one to survive. I will live without one if you are unwilling.”

“I’m so fucked up, Spock.”

“I will not ask more from you than you can give, ashayam. I ask only that you do not shut me out and that you do not send me away.”

_You’ll leave anyway._

Jim made himself nod. He wasn’t even sure what he was nodding to or if it counted as agreement.

“I just want to go home.”

“To the farmhouse?”

“Not there.”

“To Yorktown?”

Jim shook his head. “Not there either.” He closed his eyes and leaned into Spock more. “I don’t even know where home is anymore.”

Spock’s arm pulled him close and tightened. “Perhaps if you ever trust me again, you will find it.”   


	17. If You Hurt Me

He felt in his bones that something was wrong as Spock pulled the hover car up in front of the farmhouse. Jim got out slowly trying to delay whatever bad news awaited him, he imagined. At this point he should be used to it.

He glanced over at Bones who had slid out of the hover car as well. “I guess you can stay upstairs in one of those rooms. You can fight with Spock over which one.”

Before he had even moved toward the front door, Jim felt Spock’s presence beside him. Definitely too close and yet he didn’t have the energy or maybe even the heart to tell the Vulcan to back off. But when he saw Spock reaching toward him as though to take his arm like some invalid, Jim moved away and up to the steps of the farmhouse.

The nurse, Kristen Baker, should be there with his mother. At least that’s what Jim had been told. He twisted the knob on the door and stepped inside.

The house smelled sterile and musty at the same time and how it managed that, Jim didn’t know. He headed immediately for his mom’s room and when Kristen met him at the door, his heart sped up into a strange staccato.

“Admiral,” she said softly. “A word, please.”

“My mother.”

“She’s…resting comfortably.” She put her hand on his arm and led him a little away from the door. “She’s had a small stroke.” She held up her hand when he opened his mouth. “A very tiny one. I’ve just come with her from seeing Doctor Farnsworth.”

“Did it do further damage?”

“Doc doesn’t think so. Not much change on the scans anyway, but…”

“But?”

“Sir, she’s becoming more and more confused these last few days. When I first came here she was really trying, but now…I just don’t know, Admiral.”

Jim nodded and then turned away, searching for Bones, who thankfully stood nearby. “Bones?”

“I’ll go right in and check her,” Bones said.

Jim stepped to her door. She’d met Bones. Of course she had. But it had been a long time ago. And if she was in bad shape, he didn’t want her to be frightened by someone she didn’t know or remember.

He tapped lightly on the door and then opened it with a forced smile. She was sitting up in the bed, leaning against the headboard, her blonde hair, mostly gray really at this point, had recently been brushed, no doubt by Kristen, and she wore a white high-necked old-fashioned nightgown. Very Victorian looking, Jim thought, oddly. Next to her was a small teapot and a cup that appeared to be about as frail as she was.

“Hello,” she greeted him, but it was the sort of greeting one made to someone you thought you knew or had been acquainted with. There was very little recognition in her blue gaze.

“Hi, Mom.” He deliberately stressed the word Mom as he approached her.

Her expression remained vacant for a few second more before it cleared. “Jim.”

“Yes. Do you remember my doctor friend, Leonard McCoy?’

Bones had come into the room and he was smiling warmly at her. “Hello, ma’am.”

She nodded. “Yes. I remember Leonard. He was your boyfriend once, wasn’t he?”

“Definitely not, Mom. We’re just friends.”

“Oh. Yes. That’s the Vulcan, isn’t it?”

Bones approached her. “Mind if I do a little scan on you?”

She seemed troubled by his question. “Will it hurt?”

“Nope. Not a bit.”

Jim stepped back, but he felt a little queasy. He jumped very slightly when he felt a hand at his lower back, then glanced over his shoulder to see Spock had joined them in her bedroom. He didn’t want to, but he found himself leaning back against Spock.

Bones was murmuring softy to his mother as he continued to examine her.

And all of a sudden Jim couldn’t take it. He turned, briefly ran into Spock, and then pushed past him and out the bedroom door. He kept going too, past Kristen, who was still there, for whatever reason Jim couldn’t figure out, and then out to the door that led him to the backyard.

It was hardly even ten seconds before he heard the sound of the door opening and closing again. He knew it was Spock even without turning around.

“She’s dying,” Jim said. “I see it. I’ve seen enough death to know it when I see it and death is stalking her.”

“Jim.” Spock rested his hand on Jim’s shoulder.

“If-when she dies, I won’t have anyone.” It hurt to say, so it came out like a sort of gasp.

He felt Spock grip his biceps and turn him around to face him. “That is not true. You will have me.”

“For how long?”

“Forever.”

Jim snorted. “Sure. Pull the other leg.”

“Jim—”

Tears stung his eyes suddenly and unexpectedly. “You’ll leave, Spock. You always do.”

“Ashaya.” Spock pulled him close and Jim didn’t even have the strength to fight it. He put his arms around Spock, resting them on his back. Spock had a really nice back and Jim had no idea what he was even thinking right now. “I know you do not believe me. You cannot believe me. But I will never leave your side again, T’hy’la.”

“Don’t call me that. Or that other thing either.” But he leaned into Spock like a damn hypocrite and he didn’t even care. “I have to go back in there.”

“Yes, but I will be with you.”

Jim pulled back and stared into Spock’s eyes. “If I rely on you again and you hurt me, I swear to fucking god I will kill you.”

Spock showed no reaction to his vehement declaration. But he rubbed his thumb across Jim’s cheek. “I will not.”

Jim nodded and then stepped back. He pulled up his shirt and wiped at his eyes. Without another word to Spock he went back inside the farmhouse but he knew Spock followed him.

“Hey, Kristen, sorry, you can go home now. I meant to tell you that before.”

She smiled a little hesitantly. “I can stay if you need me, Admiral.”

Jim shook his head. “Nah, it’s fine. In fact, I may not need you anymore. My friend that just arrived is a doctor. The best. We can probably handle it from here.”

Kristen nodded, but she was biting her lip. “If you’re sure—”

“I am. And do me a favor? Check on your mom. She was pretty out of it when I saw her the other day.”

She made a face then. “Yeah, that’s not surprising. Okay, sir. Let me know if you change your mind. It was wonderful to meet you.”

“Thanks, you too.”

And maybe he was being a dick, he didn’t know. There was still a chance he was somehow her father. Marcy didn’t seem to know or care. And honestly Jim didn’t think he cared either. So yeah…dick.

When she was gone, Jim noticed Spock watching him. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“You think I was being an asshole?”

Spock shook his head. “I support you in whatever decisions you make.”

He rolled his eyes then. “God, you can be such a pain.”

Spock’s brows furrowed. “I do not understand.”

“I don’t want a yes man, Spock. I want the Vulcan I’ve known for most of my life.” Jim stopped, licked his lips. “Well, not want. Because I don’t. I mean that’s the one I prefer to deal with.”

“I will take that under consideration.”

Jim turned his back on Spock and went back to his mother’s room. Bones was just coming out. He gave Bones a questioning look.

“She’s very weak, Jim. And she definitely had more than one stroke. The first one was the most severe, but she’s had a couple of small ones since then. She’s coherent, but barely. Her mobility is fair.”

“Prognosis?”

“I don’t know, Jim. It’s hard to say.” Bones ran his hand through his hair. “Not long.”

Jim swallowed. “Okay. Thanks.”

Bones gave him a one arm hug as Jim went inside.

It was just him and his mom now.

“Hey, Mom.” He walked over and sat on the bed next to her. “How are you, honey?”

“I’m tired, Jimmy.”

“Yeah, I know you are.” He reached for her hand.

She shook her head, her eyes not very clear. “All we wanted for our children was for them to have good lives. Better than ours. George would be so disappointed about how much I flubbed that.”

He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “You did all right, Mom. The best you could. And surely better than some.”

She smiled a little. “You’re certainly beautiful and brave. And so smart.” Her smile faded. “But so unbearably sad that it makes it hard for me to breathe sometimes.” With the hand he did not hold, she touched his jaw. “I want you to be free.”

“Mom—”

“Free of me. Free of this place. Free of the memories. That’s the only way you can be happy.”

“Don’t talk like that.”

She closed her eyes. “Yes. You’re right. Just talk. Silly talk.” She opened her eyes. “Let me rest now, Jim.”

“All right.” He stood up and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Jimmy. I love you.”

He hesitated at the door, but then he swallowed and got out, “I love you too.”


	18. Dark Soul

Jim allowed Spock to escort him to his room. He’d thought briefly he should stay outside her door, watching over her, like somehow that could save her, save him.

But he was so drained. So emotionally bereft that all he could do was lean into Spock as he led him to the bedroom.

Relying on Spock was a big mistake, he told himself. It would just lead to so much heartache. He’d survived this long but he wasn’t sure he could survive it again.

He’d almost asked Bones for help, but then he remembered Bones wasn’t exactly his favorite person either. Or he wasn’t Bones’. Jim no longer knew. Everything blurred together until all he could do was feel Spock’s hands on him, helping him, drawing him to the bed.

Cool fingers touched his forehead and he closed his eyes.

“Do you want a shower, ashayam?”

He didn’t have the strength to remind Spock not to call him endearments. “No. I can’t function enough for that.”

“I would bathe you.”

He opened his eyes and stared up at Spock. “I’m not infirmed.”

“I am well aware of what you are.” He drew Jim up and over to the bathroom. “I want to provide this service for you.”

He was removing Jim’s clothes. He’d already turned on the shower and the small bathroom was filling with steam.

While Spock removed his own clothes, Jim watched. He was still so beautiful. And Jim kind of hated him for it. He was gently pushed into the standing shower and Spock got in after him, closing the glass door behind them.

“Have you checked on your son?” Jim asked as Spock began to massage shampoo into his hair. It smelled of oranges.

“Yes, Sarvok is well, according to my father. Tomorrow I will have a video chat with him if you would like to join me.”

“Probably not wise.”

“If I am to remain by your side for the rest of your existence, you are going to have to become used to Sarvok, Jim. He is part of me, part of my life.”

“I don’t like kids,” he muttered, as Spock rinsed out the shampoo. “They’re messy and so much trouble.”

“He does make messes on occasions but you will not have to deal with them. I will always clean them up.” He massaged something else into Jim’s hair.

“What’s that?”

“Conditioner to detangle your hair and make it soft.”

Jim snorted. “Where’d you get all this stuff?”

“The store.”

“You’re definitely trying too hard, Spock.”

Spock rinsed his hair again, then turned him around so that his back was to Spock. Long Vulcan fingers pressed into his shoulders and back.

“Fuck, that feels way too good.”

“You are very tense.”

“You think?” He heard the change in Spock’s breathing as he continued to massage his muscles. “Are you getting turned on by this?”

Only a slight pause. “How could I not? You are magnificent.”

Jim sighed but relaxed into Spock’s hands. “You’re trying to seduce me, huh?”

“I am trying to take care of you,” Spock replied. “My intentions are pure.”

“Pure my ass. I feel your hard cock against me.”

“I cannot prevent the physiological response of my body to yours. I am highly attracted to you. I suggest you ignore it.”

“Yeah right.” Jim turned to face Spock. Droplets of water clung to Spock’s too beautiful eyelashes. “What if I don’t want to fucking ignore it?”

“Jim—”

“You don’t want to ignore it either, Spock. Come on, you know you want to fuck me. That’s what you always want, isn’t it?”

“It is not.”

Jim shook his head and put his arms around Spock’s neck, sliding his wet body against Spock’s. “Vulcans don’t lie, huh?”

The color was high on Spock’s cheeks and he refused to meet Jim’s gaze. He’d definitely hit a nerve. Nailed it in one.

Jim slipped his hand between their bodies and grasped Spock’s erection, pleased when Spock was unable to hold back a moan.

He put his lips next to Spock’s, but didn’t touch them yet. Just breathed. “That’s why you wanted to bathe me in the shower, isn’t it? So we could fuck.”

Spock was attempting to shake his head but Jim had seized his jaw with his other hand and held him there. Held him captive to the barely there brush of his lips against Spock’s.

“It’s okay, you know. I want you to. I want you to take that big Vulcan dick and shove it up into me.”

“Jim—”

He touched his tongue to the seam of Spock’s mouth, licking along there until he heard the unmistakable hitch of Spock’s breath.

“If there’s one thing we got right, Spock, it was fucking. The way you fit inside me. The way you surge up in me. My ass clenching around your pulsing thrusting cock. Best damn fuck of our lives, isn’t it?”

Spock’s eyes were closed now, his cheeks a bright green. “Yes,” he ground out.

Jim slipped his tongue past Spock’s closed lips and found Spock’s tongue, caressed it, rubbed it, danced with it.

“Then do it, Spock. Lift me up right now and impale me. I know there’s that pre-Surak Vulcan in you. I’ve seen it. Let him come out. Fuck me, Spock. Fuck me like you mean it.”

Spock growled low and deep and lurched at Jim, lifting his feet off the shower tile. Jim clutched at Spock’s neck, righting himself as his world tilted. Vulcan fingers parted his cheeks and then the massive hard dick, leaking fluid from the tip, speared up inside him.

Jim’s gasp was covered—captured—by Spock’s mouth on his, demanding total and complete surrender.

He held on tight, his legs wrapped firmly around Spock’s torso as Spock drove into him with almost wicked violence.

“Yes,” Jim snarled against Spock’s lips. “Fuck, yes.” He threaded his fingers through the soft hair at the back of Spock’s head. Bit down on Spock’s bottom lip but all that earned him was a bite back and another hard thrust, sending thrills through every nerve in Jim’s body.

His back hit the wall of the shower as Spock thrust up harder, rougher, deeper than Jim ever thought possible. Spock’s eyes had turned black, intensely dominating as he rammed into Jim. He felt exactly as if he _was_ being taken by a pre-Surak Spock. He moved his hands to Spock’s muscled arms.

In and out. In and out.

If Spock was splitting him open, he welcomed it.

He fused his lips to Spock’s, kissing him a little desperately. A little needy. A lot wanton.

He broke the kiss, breathing heavily, leaning in to pant hot breaths against Spock’s throat.

Pump after pump.

Pulsing, throbbing.

Jim was coming undone. Spock too. He felt it in the touch of their skin, in the sway of their bodies. Saw it in the black of those eyes, the bruise of his swollen lips.

They could die this way. Fucking like this. And would it even matter?

A long Vulcan finger swiped at the tip of Jim’s penis and he mewled like a damn cat, so fucking gone he whimpered. His whole body was shaking, convulsing, as again and again Spock thrust up into him, pushing his sweet spot like it was a button to make Jim crazed.

Long streams of cum shot out of his dick as Jim screamed against Spock’s neck. He clenched his muscles around the Vulcan cock inside him and watched as Spock’s eyes widened just before he went wild pounding into Jim until he roared Jim’s name, filling him up.

Spock lowered him to the shower floor and washed him again. He removed the hose of the shower and rinsed Jim wherever it would reach, wherever it would go. Jim let him.

He was exhausted physically and mentally. Emotionally.

He was led from the bathroom and back to the bedroom where somehow Spock managed to get him dressed in pajama bottoms and a T-shirt. Jim felt like maybe he was on autopilot. Spock laid him down and then he watched Spock as Spock pulled on a thin off-white robe Jim knew was one of his sleeping type robes.

Jim realized Spock intended to stay with him, in this bed, that night, and he should protest, he should, for surely they were not at the point of sharing a bed for sleeping. If they ever would be, for that matter.

But he couldn’t find the words to tell Spock to go away. His heart hurt too much for that. So when Spock got in bed beside him, Jim did not say or do anything to stop him.

Spock turned onto his side and looked down upon Jim, his eyes back to warm melting chocolate. “I love you.”

Jim shook his head. “Don’t say that.”

“Whether it is said or not, it remains true,” he said softly.

“I have darkness in my soul.”

“And yet you are my sun, my light.”

He closed his eyes wearily. “If only that had ever been true.”

He felt Spock move across him to turn off the old-fashioned lamp on the bedside table, then lay down. He then he felt Spock’s arm move to lay across his waist. 

Though he was undeniably exhausted he lay awake for a long time after, listening to Spock breath, listening to the sounds of the house. Old houses shifted and creaked. This house more than most.

In the morning, he pulled on clothes, jeans and a flannel shirt, for he felt cold, and conscious of the fact that Spock had apparently risen earlier than him as he’d already departed Jim’s bedroom. 

He was unsettled and raw as he made his way out of his room and toward his mother’s room. And as he got ever closer, a dark ominous cloud seemed to follow over his head.

Somehow he was unsurprised when Bones met him at the door and then he felt Spock coming up behind him. He didn’t look. But he felt him.

“Jim—”

“My mother.”

Bones looked suddenly ten years older than he had the day before. “She…”

“Bones.”

“She got a hold of some pills.”

Jim stared at him. “What?”

He shook his head sadly. “It’s my guess she’s been hoarding them for a while now.”

“Your…guess?”

“Jim,” Spock said from behind him.

“She’s gone, Jim,” Bones said quietly. “She passed away in the middle of the night.”

“ _Passed away_? She fucking took pills and she _passed away_? You make it sound like it was peaceful and she just went in her damn sleep.”

“In a way it was.”

“Get the fuck out of my way and let me see her.”

“Jim—”

“Bones, get out of the way.”

He moved then, away from the door, after exchanging a look with Spock they probably didn’t think Jim had noticed.

He opened the door and stepped into the bedroom. She was lying on her back, her stupid Victorian nightdress up to her neck, her hands folded just below her breastbone. He knew Bones had likely placed her like that. What? To make it easier? It didn’t.

She looked exactly what she was.

Dead.

He turned on his heel and walked out.

Only he kept walking past Bones, and past Spock, and out the back door and into the yard.

And he yelled at the top of his lungs.

The door opened and closed behind him and he turned on Spock as he approached.

“Free? She calls this free? This isn’t freedom! It’s a goddamn life sentence!”

“I grieve with thee.”

“Fuck her. Fuck her. How could she do this? Damn.” Jim dropped to his knees in the dirt and swung his fist at it, pounding into the ground.

Spock dropped down beside him. “She was in pain. She did not want to endure it any longer, ashaya. And I believe she did feel that this was best for you.”

“How could she think that?”

Spock shook his head. “I do not know.”

“All my life she’s fucked with me. All my life.”

“Yes.”

He lowered his gaze. “I just wanted to take care of her. Why couldn’t she let me?”

Spock was quiet for so long that Jim had no choice but to look up at him.

“Don’t look at me like that. It’s not the same as you and me.”

“Is it not? I only want to take care of you and you will not let me.”

“This isn’t about us,” Jim said. “This is about her.”

Spock nodded then. “You are right.”

Jim closed his eyes. “I’m so angry.”

“When my mother died, I was angry too,” Spock said softly. “I could not control it. My father advised that I should not try to.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Only that you should feel the way you feel, Jim. Do not suppress it. Kaiidth.”

“There’s no one left now,” Jim whispered. “I have no one.”

“You have me.”

The proper, necessary response was, “for how long” and yet, he lacked the strength, the heat, to say it. He curled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, feeling like a little boy, abandoned by his mother. What had once been true was again.

And Spock, to his credit, stayed out there with him for a long time.    


	19. A Crack in the Armor

“She was dying when we were fucking,” Jim said as he stood at the window of the room Spock had spent the prior night with Jim.

Spock supposed that was true, but he chose not to comment on it.

They’d come up here while Leonard dealt with the body of Winona Kirk and getting the funeral home to take her away. The authorities had been called as well, due to her suicide. But they had decided not to do any kind of autopsy given Leonard’s presence and also that of her attending physician, Farnsworth, who had come over after Leonard contacted him. 

Jim wanted no part of it, so Spock had suggested they come up here. It had become too cold outside where he had been.

Spock walked over to the window where Jim stood looking out at…what? Spock did not know. Barren land and trees with no leaves. He stood just behind Jim, close enough to touch should it become required.

“I don’t want a big funeral with everyone here. She wouldn’t have wanted that.”

“I believe you are correct. A smaller service is certainly warranted.”

Jim nodded. “Maybe we can just bury her here on the property. On the hill behind the barn or something.”

“That can likely be arranged.”

“Or not. I don’t know. Is that creepy? It is, isn’t it?”

“I am uncertain.”

“There’s a cemetery I guess. In town. Or maybe she would have rather been cremated.” Jim laughed hollowly. “Who knows? She never said. And I certainly didn’t ask. It-it was different with my dad and-and your mom, because-because—”

“Yes,” Spock said softly, simply.

“That’s easier in a way. Then you don’t have to deal with all this. That’s the way I want to go. Just vaporized by space.”

Spock stepped closer and leaned on Jim’s back, unable to resist contact now. He’d tried to hold back, to only offer what Jim needed, but he found he needed this. Needed to touch.

“I would rather not speak of your death,” Spock admitted. “Having already experienced it once.”

“That was so long ago,” Jim whispered. “I was another person.” He leaned back against Spock, who sucked in a breath.

Spock closed his eyes, his heart beating in his side so fast he was surprised it did not hurt. But Jim was leaning against him, seeking comfort.

“We have both changed much since then,” Spock agreed.

“Perhaps not entirely for the best.”

“Our experiences have changed us, shaped us. Mistakes we made. Triumphs.” Spock paused. “Of which you have had many.”

He laughed quietly. “The mistakes?”

“The triumphs. You have no equal in Starfleet. Or elsewhere.”

“I don’t want fame or heroics, Spock. I did what had to be done and none of it was ever just me. You, Bones, Uhura, the rest. Our crew. Anyone would have done the same.”

Spock brought his hands up to grasp Jim’s arms, pulling their bodies into even closer contact. He could feel the body heat from Jim. “Not anyone, ashaya. Only you. Whether you admit it or not, you are extraordinary.”

“Well. Now I’m fucking tired.”

“I know you are.” Spock swallowed heavily. “That is why I wish for you to allow me to take care of you.”

“For how long?”

“The rest of your days. I want to bond with you.”

Jim scoffed. “Bond.”

“Yes. I want us joined in every way. But…I can accept if you cannot trust me for that level of intimacy between us. Our counterparts shared a bond.”

“You were the one who told me we’re not like them.”

Spock shook his head. “Not in the way they shared a t’hy’la bond, but in a way our connection will be much stronger.”

Jim moved then, turning, and for a moment Spock feared he would step entirely away from Spock, so when instead he stepped closer, face to face, his hands on Spock’s biceps, their faces nearly nose to nose, Spock was filled with excessive relief.

“How stronger?” Jim asked, his voice so soft even Spock had to strain to hear.

“Theirs was an ancient call to be together. Something they likely could not have ignored even should they have wanted to. All most mystic.”

“Vulcan mysticism?”

“Of a sort. Vulcans were really quite different before Surak.”

“So, they had no choice? No free will?”

“Not much,” Spock said. “It was pre-ordained. But with us…what draws us together is desire, love, a need for each other, an overwhelming wish to remain by each other’s side.”

Jim smiled slightly. “Sounds similar.”

“It is not,” Spock insisted. “We have the choice. We will be together because it is what we want, above anything else. Individually we are who we are, but together, as we choose to be, we are unstoppable.”

“God, that’s unbearably romantic.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah.” Jim closed his eyes briefly but when he opened them the blue had become so intense, so focused on Spock, that he almost looked away from them. “Relying on you almost destroyed me. You were my world. You were everything. It was like…” He stopped, licked his lips. “I couldn’t breathe without you. It hurt so much when you destroyed all that.”

“I know and I—”

Jim’s fingertips stopped his words. “Not again. I don’t want your apologies or your excuses again, Spock. I’ve heard it all. God, I love you so much. Even now. There’s no one else for me and there never will be. Not now.”

“Jim.”

“I don’t want to rely on you anymore for what or who I am, Spock. I have to be who I am and I have to be responsible for my own well-being. I don’t need nor want to be taken care of.”

“I-I want to be by your side.”

“I know, sweetheart. I do. And I believe you. I know you have regrets. I know you’re sorry for everything. But—”

Spock closed his eyes. “It is not enough.”

He felt lips on his eyelids.

“Open your eyes and look at me.”

Spock did.

“I’m not sending you away,” Jim said softly. His thumb brushed at a tear Spock had barely been aware of as it slipped down his cheek. “I can’t hurt you like that. Even if you change your mind tomorrow and leave and never look back, I can’t do that to you.”

“I will never,” Spock vowed.

“We’ll see. For now, I-I’m giving you a chance I guess. Not for you, but for me. Because I need to give you that chance.”

“Ashal-veh—”

“And it’s way too early to talk of bonding or marriage or any of that.”

Spock nodded. He did not like it. But he had no choice to agree. He was indeed fortunate that Jim was as loving and forgiving and as kind as he was.

“I am gratified.”

Jim looked away now. He bit his lip. “And I guess, if I’m giving you a chance, I have to give Sarvok a chance too.”

“He is a good boy, an excellent son. I assure you that he will wrap you around his little finger with ease.”

Jim met his gaze once more. “We’ll see.” He was suddenly embracing Spock, arms wrapping around Spock’s back. Spock squeezed him tight.

“Las’hark. Ugel.”         

“I guess I have to go down there and talk to them,” Jim whispered. “Can’t let Bones just handle everything.”

Spock reluctantly released him when he pulled away. “I can—”

Jim raised both eyebrows.

Spock closed his mouth. Nodded. “I can be by your side offering my support while you manage the situation.”

“Let’s go.”

And Spock followed after him, grateful that Jim was letting him, at least reluctantly.


	20. Sacrifice

It was over finally. The funeral. The burial. Everything was finished.

He couldn’t bury her next to George, for there were no remains after the Kelvin was destroyed. And he couldn’t bury her next to Sam, because Sam died on another planet, light years away from this one, and was buried there.

So Winona Kirk had been buried on the land of her beloved farmhouse. It was the best Jim could do and it still felt like not enough.

Perhaps someday if his own particles hadn’t been blown to kingdom come, he could be buried next to her. He didn’t really care. Why would he? It wasn’t as though he’d have anything to say or do about it.

Long after the guests had gone, leaving behind their unwelcome casseroles—and yeah, okay, Jim knew he was an ass—he stood staring down at her gravesite. A breeze kept blowing his hair, longer now than when he’d left Yorktown to come there, into his eyes, but Jim didn’t even bother to brush it away.

He was not alone. Spock stood just behind him, stoically silent, but refusing to leave. Bones sat in the farmhouse going through a bottle of whiskey, though he’d promised to save some for Jim when he got back inside.

And Jim wondered what he would do with that farmhouse now that it was all over. Winona had loved it. But Sam and Jim had hated it. And only Jim was left.

A memory floated across his mind.

_“I don’t want my brother to leave.”_

_“What you want doesn’t matter. You are no one.”_

A long time ago now. He had more memory of feelings than actual recollections of events and conversations from then, but those words had always stuck in his mind.

What he wanted now was all that mattered for all of them were gone save him. He shook his head.

“Jim?”

“I’m thinking of bulldozing the house,” he said to Spock for a question that the Vulcan had not asked. “It probably needs a hundred repairs, honestly, and I don’t care enough to bother with it.”

“Will you sell the property?”

“I guess. I’ll have to have some sort of stipulation about her grave, this area.” He glanced at Spock. “Something will have to be done with me when I die.”

“That will not be for a long time and I will, of course, follow whatever instructions you leave with me,”

Jim snorted. “You say that like you’ll still be around.”

“Vulcans live naturally longer than Humans, though it is entirely possible that I could precede you in death.”

“That isn’t what I meant.”

“I am aware,” Spock said softly.

Jim looked away again, toward her grave. “Actually knowing my luck, I will be the last one standing. Though that wasn’t true of…never mind.”

“You refer to your counterpart.”

“Yeah. Guess he died pretty young, really.”

“Our fates are not the same as theirs,” Spock reminded him.

“Yeah, you’ve said that a million times.”

“Jim.”

“I know. I just…do you ever get tired of being a pain in the ass?” Jim sighed, looked at Spock again who had stiffened considerably and looked down right frosty. And Jim was pretty sure the words, ‘I apologize’ were about to come out.

He sighed, closed his eyes, and moved into Spock’s embrace. Spock inhaled sharply but then his arms came up around Jim’s back to hold him in place.

“My whole life I’ve been pretending you know.”

“Explain.”

“Oh, let’s see, I pretended not to care that my mother would rather be anywhere but around us, I pretended not to be dead inside whenever Frank hit me, I pretended if I gave all my food away to others on Tarsus I could finally redeem myself in some small way.”

“Ashaya.” Spock kissed the top of my head.

“I pretended I was tough so I could get in fights and maybe they’d beat me to death. I pretended I was cocky and slept around so no one would look deeper inside me.” He laid his head on Spock’s shoulder. “I pretended it didn’t fucking kill me every time she kissed you. I pretended I didn’t die when you _married_ her.”

“I—”

“Be quiet. I pretended I was okay with being off a starship and in charge of Yorktown. Big responsibility, right? I pretended it didn’t rip me apart when you took me to bed and then walked away again. Or that you had a child with her. Something I sure as hell could never give you. I pretended that I was okay with taking care of my mother while she wasted away in front of me and that a huge part of me didn’t resent having to do so. God, Spock, I’ve been fucked up and pretending all my life! What am I supposed to do now?”

“Whatever you want to do. The remainder of your life is about you now, Jim. If you want to leave Yorktown and Starfleet, you do it. Sell this place. Travel wherever you wish. Live wherever you want. I will go where you choose.”

“And Sarvok?”

“He is part of my life and will remain so. We will work out whatever needs to be done so that I am involved in both of your lives.” Spock squeezed him. “I know I spoke of forsaking him but I hope you realize I cannot do so. Even for you.”

“I told you I would not ask that.”

“I know. The two of us have not had a very healthy relationship, my beloved. But we will learn it. To respect each other. Love each other. And, yes, trust each other.”

“I’ve never had that with anyone,” Jim admitted.

“I know.”

“Spock, I don’t think—”

 Spock pulled back and touched his fingers to Jim’s lips. “I know you still have a lot of doubts.”

He nodded.

For a moment, Spock didn’t seem to be able to hide his disappointment. He looked away across the yard. “Are you ready to return to the house?”

“Yes,” Jim said. More talking certainly wasn’t going to solve anything between them. It seemed like they kept having the same conversation anyway. Jim would express doubts about their future and Spock would apologize.

As they approached the farmhouse, Jim decided he just couldn’t stand to sit in the depressing house and pretend he didn’t just bury his mother. He was going out. And Bones and Spock could either come with him or not.

He stomped into the house. “Bones, get your coat.”

Bones looked up from the dining room table, half empty glass of whiskey in hand. “What?”

“We’re going to a bar. I’m getting my drink on.” Jim eyed Spock. “Are you coming or staying?”

“Going,” Spock replied, softly.

Jim smiled a little. “Good.”

****

“No, no,” Bones said as he almost fell off the stool as he laid a arm across Jim. “Not like that. It was-it was…” He waved, vibrated a little, then righted himself. “I don’t remember.”

Jim laughed. “Hey, Hey, remember when—”

“Jim, perhaps you should keep your voices down,” Spock interjected.

“This is important, Spock. Bones, remember when Riley was infected by that disease and he locked down the ship and started to sing—”

“Oh, yeah! Oh yeah!” Bones shouted. “I’ll Take You Home Kathleen!”

Jim began to sing, “I’ll take you home again, Kathleen. Across the ocean wild and wide—”

“Jim, other patrons are becoming annoyed,” Spock spoke from next to him.

“Oh, fuck them. They didn’t just bury their mama.”

Bones narrowed his eyes and attempted to look around. “Maybe we ought to call it a night, Jim.”

“I confess to agreement with the doctor.”

Jim sighed. “Okay, but I gotta pee first.”

He slid off the stool and stumbled into Bones which elicited a laugh out of both of them.

The bathroom was down a short hallway to the right through the crowd so Jim started for it. He hadn’t meant to get so drunk but damn he could barely feel his legs.

Suddenly he knocked into something hard and big.

“Hey, watch it!”

“Sorry.”

The thing he knocked into was a guy at least half a foot taller than him and much beefier. He stood in Jim’s way and glared down at him.

“I know your type man.”

“My type, yeah. I’m just headed for the bathroom.”

“Such a cocky arrogant bastard. I heard you yelling and singing over there like you own the whole world.”

“Okay, whatever, that doesn’t even make sense.” Jim patted the guy’s face. “If you’ll just get out of my way—”

The guy shoved Jim back hard toward the bar where he ran into another guy. “Sorry,” Jim mumbled.

And it was then that he saw the first guy had some sort of gun, which he’d removed from his jacket. It wasn’t a phaser, it was much bigger and more wicked looking. Well, it figured didn’t it?

“Look, pal, I just buried my mother and—”

“I don’t give a damn about your dead mother, dickhead.”

“Okay, that was just—”

“Jim.” Spock suddenly appeared by his side.

“Go away, Spock,” Jim said, his gaze on the guy’s gun. “I got this.”

He saw immediately that Spock spotted the gun as well.

“And now who’s this freak? Your bodyguard?”

“You know what? Fuck you.” Jim took a step toward the guy just as he raised his gun.

“No!” Spock pushed Jim roughly away just as the gun fired.

“Spock!”

In a blur, Jim watched as Spock fell to the floor. He was vaguely aware of the guy with the gun being pulled away from them.

Jim dropped to his knees, instantly, coldly sober. “Bones! Bones, help!”

He gripped Spock in his arms, shocked to feel the slickness of green blood that seemed to be gushing out of Spock’s side, it was coating Jim’s fingers.

“Spock, Spock, no. Spock!”

Spock was very pale as he reached up to touch Jim’s arm. “Ashaya, I love you.”

Jim was surprised when tears blurred his vision. “Don’t you give me that! You have to stay with me. Spock. Bones! God damn it, where are you?”

“Do not grieve,” Spock choked out.

“You son of a bitch, don’t you die on me,” Jim bit out angrily. He felt Spock’s hand slip away from his hand. “You said you wouldn’t leave me! You said!”

Bones appeared, pale and drawn. “Jim—”

“Bones. You-you have to—”

“Move out of the way, Jim,” Bones said gently. He looked past Jim to the bartender, Roy. “Get him out of here, Roy. Please.”

Jim felt Roy pulling at him. “Come on, Jim.”

“No! Spock. Please. Spock!”


	21. Kaiidth

It was painful to wake. To draw breath. He felt as though he’d been run over by shuttlecraft.

His vision blurred as he opened his eyes but he was able to tell that someone stood beside his bed.

“Spock?”

A soft, feminine voice. For a moment he could not imagine where he was. With enormous, excruciating painful concentration he focused on the figure on the bed who turned into Nyota.

Her long hair was piled on top of her head in ringlets that fell down around her ears. She pursed her lips. She wore a red dress, not Starfleet, but red was her color. It looked pleasing on her.

“Nyota?”

“Do you know where you are, Spock?”

“Hospital?”

“That’s right. You were shot in a bar,” she said in a derisive tone.

_Jim_.

Spock opened his mouth to ask after him but she was speaking again.

“I brought Sarvok. He wants to see you.”

She turned away and was gone before Spock could ask.

A moment later his son ran in and over to him on the bed, scrambling up and throwing his tiny arms around Spock.

“Papa!”

Spock winced at the impact but held Sarvok to him. “Hello little one.”

His gaze rose to where Nyota stood and that was when he saw Jim had joined her, standing at the foot of the bed, though with some distance between himself and Nyota.

Spock found that he could breathe again. His gaze met Jim’s but he couldn’t tell what Jim was thinking. Or feeling. Not from where he stood so far away.

“Mama says you were shot!”

Spock turned to his son. “Yes, Sarvok. I was. I am on the mend now.” He once more looked to Jim, who nodded. He returned his gaze to the boy. “No need to worry.”

“Okay, now, Sarvok, you’ve seen Papa but now he needs to rest and so do you,” Nyota said. “We’ll come back later to see him again.”

“Promise?”

“Of course. Let’s find your grandpapa. He promised us both lunch.”

“Okay.” Sarvok hugged Spock again, wetly kissing Spock’s face, then scrambled down from the bed. He smiled at Jim and somewhat to Spock’s surprise, Sarvok hugged Jim’s leg. “Bye Jim!”

Jim smiled slightly. “I’ll see you later.” His gaze swept over Nyota briefly. “With your grandpapa.”

Nyota took Sarvok’s hand. She did not look at Jim, Spock suspected deliberately, but she did nod at Spock.

“I’m glad you’re going to recover,” she told him.

And then they were gone and only Jim stood there.

He looked like life. There was no better word to describe it. The life Spock wanted, desired, needed, above all else.

At that moment he wanted Jim to come closer but Spock wasn’t sure how to ask. So much was uncertain. And Jim gave nothing away.

“How do you feel?” Jim asked.

“A little rough,” Spock admitted. “Weak. Sore. I did not think I would live.”

“I didn’t think you would either.” Jim looked down at the ground and then back up at Spock. “I have a lot to say, if you want to listen.”

“You have my full attention.”

“Maybe I should let you rest.”

“I cannot rest when you are not here,” Spock stated simply.

Jim did move away from the foot of the bed then and over to the chair that had been placed by Spock’s bedside. “I could sit here next to you while you sleep. It’s where I’ve been the last four days.”

“Four days,” Spock repeatedly faintly.

“You were really fucked up, Spock. I told you I could handle it.”

“And if you had, you would have died.” Spock shook his head. “I cannot face your death a second time. I am not strong enough for that.”

“You’ve always been so stubborn,” Jim said, but without much heat behind it. He briefly reached out and covered Spock’s hand with his. Jim’s hand was warm and Spock wanted to trap his hand to his but Jim moved it away and sat in the chair, still too far from Spock for his liking.

“You are unharmed?” He looked perfect to Spock, incredibly handsome and virile, but he had to be sure.

“Physically, yes. Emotionally, no,” Jim said, gazing intently at Spock. “God, Spock, I really thought you weren’t going to make it.”

“If I have to sacrifice myself for you, I will do so.”

“No one’s sacrificing themselves for anyone. Got that?” Jim sighed. “You’ve got that sweet little boy who needs you, Spock. And I-I need you.”

Spock allowed just the slightest bit of hope to spark through him.

“Listen,” Jim said, holding up his hand when Spock would speak. “I’m not saying this is going to be easy. Between us. I mean, when is it ever? The first time we met…” He shook his head. “There’s been a lot of hurt, Spock. I hurt you. You hurt me. We both hurt Uhura. I’ve hurt myself. And I think-I think you’ve hurt yourself a little too. I have a lot of emotions—”

“You are a fiery individual. And I would never want you to change. You draw me like a moth.”

Jim’s lips curled. “Yeah. That’s one way of putting it.”

“I will gladly spend the rest of my life devoted to you.”

“That’s bound to be a long life, Spock. Provided we stay out of lowlife bars, anyway. Chances are you’ll outlive me by a number of years.”

“No one can know the future, Jim. With Khan’s blood, you may yet have an extended life. Dr. McCoy was never able to come to a definitive conclusion.”

“I don’t want to live a long time unless it’s with you,” Jim said softly.

“And I…” Spock felt embarrassed when his voice cracked. “I want the same. More than you can possibly imagine.”

“So,” Jim said, letting out a long breath. “If you want the whole picture, the marriage, the bonding, all that entails, the um, the co-parenting with Uhura, well, then I guess, if you want all that still, with me, then okay.”

Spock closed his eyes, suddenly overcome with such powerful relief and yes, happiness, that he could not contain it. His Vulcan side was failing, or perhaps, it was giving in to what they’d always tried so hard to suppress. His eyes filled with tears, one spilling out onto his cheek.

“Spock?”

Jim’s chair scraped back as he stood and came over to the bed, reaching for Spock, who now stared at Jim, longingly.

“Spock? Do I need to get the doctor?”

“No, Jim. Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”  Spock grabbed Jim’s hand in his. “To be bonded to you is my dream.”

“Well then.” Jim smiled and leaned down to kiss Spock with aching gentleness on the lips. “I guess we can make your dream come true.”

Spock gave a protesting moan when Jim pulled back.

“Uh-uh. You need to sleep, mister. I don’t want any relapses.”

“I will not. Are you--?”

“Rest, Spock. I’m not going anywhere.”

“How soon can a Vulcan priestess bond us?”

“Spock, go to sleep.”

“But—”

“But what?”

Spock found himself suddenly filled with anxiety. “What if-what if this is just a dream? What if I go to sleep and when I wake up, none of this has happened? You have not agreed to be mine. What if I do not wake up at all?”

“Spock, Spock, sweetheart, you’re freaking out.” Jim put his hand on Spock’s face. “Everything’s okay. You’re all right. I promise.”

Jim’s touch did manage to soothe him but Spock still had trouble believing this was real. For so long, Jim rejected him. For good reason, yes. Spock could not deny that. But Jim was capable of so much love and forgiveness, even for those who had not earned it.

“Lay with me,” Spock urged.

Jim laughed. “What?”

“On the bed. It will be easier to rest if you are right beside me.”

Jim looked at him doubtfully. “I doubt the doctor will go for that.”

“I am not asking his permission. Please?”

“Is there room? Without me jarring all your hospital plugs?”

“I will make room.” He scooted over. With effort, but still. Jim would fit.

“Like I said, you are stubborn.” Jim glanced at the hospital room door but then, lowered himself into the bed next to Spock, who immediately scooted closer. He put his hand on Spock’s arm. “Just so you know, you scared the crap out of me.”

“I am sorry.”

“No you aren’t.”

“No I am not,” Spock agreed. “He would have killed you. Has he—”

“Yeah, he’s taken care of, don’t worry.”

“I am sorry for all the times I hurt you.”

“Spock, not now. Okay? I just want you to get better.”

“If I had it to do over—”

“You don’t. We don’t. Kaiidth, right?”

Spock covered Jim’s hand with his. “Yes.”


	22. And How Can I Stand Here With You And Not be Moved by You

“Jim,” came a soft whisper.

Jim opened his eyes to stare into the haggard face of Bones, five o’clock shadow and all. He’d looked like maybe he’d aged ten years in the last few days. Jim sure felt like he had.

He pulled away carefully from the still sleeping Vulcan in the hospital bed and gestured for Bones to meet him outside. To his relief, Spock remained sleeping.

Jim went out to the hallway. “Sorry. Didn’t want to wake him. It took him a long time to get to sleep.”

“I understand.” His mouth was a grim line and Jim feared something was wrong with Spock that they weren’t telling him. “Can we talk?”

Jim moistened his lips and nodded. “Sure. But Spock—”

“He’s being monitored. Don’t worry.”

“Okay, but he’s a little freaked out right now and if he wakes up and I’m gone—”

“We’ll be notified,” Bones said. “But from what I saw under the scan I just did, he should be asleep for a while.”

Bones took Jim’s arm and led him away, down the hall, and out the door to the hospital’s garden patio.

“Bones, is he all right? I need the truth.”

“Spock will be fine, Jim. He’s recovering remarkably well. Those first couple of days in that Vulcan healing trance really made a difference.”

Relief made him feel weak and wobbly and Bones helped him to sit down on a nearby bench.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I just. I guess I’ve been living on adrenaline these past few days. I was scared shitless.”

Bones studied him. “You’ve got it bad still.”

“My mom once said that a Kirk only falls in love once,” Jim whispered. “I can’t even begin to tell you how true that is.”

“Well, things seem to be better between you anyway.”

“Bones, I…I owe you the biggest apology ever and I—”

“I owe one to you myself.”

Jim laughed. “No, you don’t. I know why you said all that crap to me. You were scared.”

“You’d tried to kill yourself over Spock. Damned right I was.”

“Our relationship hasn’t always been very healthy that’s for sure.”

Bones touched his hand. “And now? Is it?”

“It’s on its way I think. I hope. I have to get past a few things. And I guess at least I recognize that.” Jim turned his hand over until he was touching his palm to Bones’. “I was awful to you, Bones. For years. And there’s no excuse.” He looked down at the ground.

“Hey.”

He chanced to look up and saw Bones smiling.

“You and me.” He pointed to them, back and forth. “We’re family.”

Jim got choked up. “Yeah.”

“And I got a little carried away,” Bones continued. “I could have talked to you a little more reasonably instead of coming at you like that.”

“No you didn’t—”

“Yeah, I did. I was sorry for it immediately but it was hard to take any of it back.”

“I know.” Jim shook his head. “You’re supposed to get smarter as you age not more stupid.”

“Yeah, that’s what they say.”

“Do me a favor, okay?”

“What?” Bones asked, profile to him.   

Jim swallowed a heavy lump. “Don’t ever change.”

Bones said nothing to that, just squeezed Jim’s hand.

“So what happens now?” Bones asked after several minutes of companionable silence. “Between you and Spock.”

“I guess…everything. Marriage, bonding, the whole nine yards or whatever.”

“Is that what you want?”

Jim shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, I guess. That’s the next logical step, right?”

“Logical,” Bones murmured. “Spock knows that doesn’t apply to you, doesn’t he?”

Jim snorted. “Yeah. Think that’s pretty obvious.”

“Still, you sound unsure.”

“I’m still having trust issues,” Jim admitted. “I’m still thinking, part of me anyway, that there’s no way this is going to work out. Down the road, Spock’s going to realize what a mistake he made. Like on—”

“Yorktown.”

“Yeah,” Jim whispered, picking at the nails of his hand.

“No one wants a repeat of that. From my conversations with Spock since I got here, I don’t think Spock wants any of that to happen either.”

“I know.” Jim sighed. Looked to his friend. “But it’s a hell of a leap of faith.”

“That’s life sometimes.”

“Then there’s the whole Sarvok thing.”

“What about the kid?”

“He’s Spock’s son. So he’s going to be in our lives. I’m not good with kids.”

“You do all right,” Bones insisted.

“Sarvok is also Uhura’s son and she hates me.”

“I don’t think she hates you.”

“I slept with her husband. She hates me.”

“Well,” Bones said doubtfully. “Anyway, I think she’d set aside all that for the boy’s sake.”

“Maybe.”

“So, then, what? Back to Yorktown?”

Jim shook his head. “I’m done there. I have no desire to go back to that life. Overworked, underappreciated, lonely.”

“Riverside?”

“God no. Mom’s there, still. On the property. I don’t know, Bones, I feel like I shouldn’t sell it with her buried there, but what the hell am I going to do with it? I don’t want the place. And I hate that fucking house.”

“If not Riverside and not Yorktown, then where? New Vulcan?”

Jim laughed a little breathlessly. “Maybe. Would that be so terrible? A whole plethora of Vulcans to tell me how illogical I am.”

“I can’t see you there.”

“It might be where I end up. I’m not feeling the Starfleet thing anymore. Not without a ship. And most of you aren’t in the Fleet anymore. Spock isn’t. You aren’t. So I don’t need to be in San Francisco. We’ll figure it out.”

“And that’s it, huh? Now you’re a ‘we’.”

“Yeah. And speaking of, I probably ought to go check on him before he wakes up and tears the hospital apart looking for me thinking he dreamed it all.”

Bones smirked. “Does he really think that?”

“He did mention it.”

“Who knew Vulcans had anxiety?”

“Probably other Vulcans.” Jim stood and Bones did too.

Jim was relieved to see that Spock still slept and after Bones briefly checked him, he left Jim alone with Spock with only a cup of coffee and a PADD for company.

He sat in the chair and got busy planning for the future.

****

Jim was out getting another coffee when Uhura appeared next to him at the coffee replicator. He glanced very briefly at her before returning his attention to the replicator.

“You can look at me, you know, it won’t burn your retinas.”

He shot a look at her. She looked good, barely aged at all, really. She was wearing slim legged jeans, a white T-shirt, and a black sweater. She leaned against the wall next to where he stood.

“I didn’t think it would. I thought it was you not wanting to look at me.”

She sighed. “That’s because you only see your own point of view.”

“Maybe. But I guess that’s true of most of us.” He turned to face her, holding his coffee cup. “I’ve never been sure what to say.”

“I never required you to say anything,” she replied. “You weren’t any more at fault than Spock was. I shared some of the blame too.”

“Well I—”

“Not much, mind you,” she cut in. “Sure, maybe I should have realized before I married him that Spock was in love with you. But the two of you fucking behind my back, that was all you two.”

“Uhura—”

“The polite thing to do, if there is a polite way, is to have come to me and ended things, before sleeping with you.” She shook her head. “But that didn’t happen.”

“No. It didn’t.”

“In spite of it all, all the hurt, all the disappointment, I can’t regret Sarvok. He’s beautiful and precious. Without Spock creating him with me, he wouldn’t be who he is. And dwelling on the past is not who I am, Jim.”

Jim thought maybe there was a dig at him about dwelling in the past somewhere but he couldn’t quite think it was deliberate, even if maybe it was, or maybe it was true.

“He is a cute little guy,” he said neutrally.

“Spock and I aren’t together anymore and we haven’t been for a long time. And even with all that happened, I’ll always care about him, just as I’ll always care about you,” she told him. “I don’t think the three of us will ever be friends again, Jim, too much has happened with all the hurt we’ve all experienced. But for the sake of my son and what all of us once were to each other, I can put that aside and work with you and Spock. Which is why I brought him here for you to bond with Spock. He should be here for his papa’s marriage and bonding ceremonies.”

“Thank you.” It was all he could think to say. And it certainly wasn’t enough.

She shook her head and started to turn away.

He moistened his lips. “Hey. Um. Nyota.”

Uhura stopped and half turned around.

“I don’t…I don’t think I ever said I was sorry. About—”

“No. You didn’t.”

He nodded. “I am. Very sorry. I never wanted to hurt you in a million years. That’s why…” Jim stopped, shook his head.

“Why you never said anything to Spock about how you felt.”

He just stared. Couldn’t even make himself nod.

“I know,” she said softly. “But you should have. For all our sakes. I left Sarvok with Sarek so that they can attend the ceremonies. I’ll come back to get him later.”

“You’re not—”

“Staying?” She rolled her eyes. “No. I’m not strong enough to watch Spock bond with and marry you, Jim. I’m sorry if that makes me horrible.”

“It-it doesn’t.”

Uhura nodded. “I wish you well.”

And then she turned back around and headed down the corridor and away. Jim couldn’t blame her.

Sarek and Sarvok were waiting outside Spock’s hospital room with Bones and a Vulcan woman dressed in long robes who looked very old to Jim.

“Jim!” Sarvok called. He was waving even as Jim approached.

Jim smiled. “Hey, kid.” He turned to the others. “Listen, he’s been sleeping, so I haven’t had a chance to tell him about this. Can you give me a few minutes? I’ll let you know when he’s agreed.”

He didn’t wait for their answer and instead slipped through the door of Spock’s room and closed it to them. He set his coffee down on a nearby table.

Spock’s eyes blinked slowly open as Jim stood beside the bed. “Jim?”

He smiled and put his hand to Spock’s forehead, smoothing away stray strands of hair. “How do you feel?”

“Groggy. How long did I sleep?”

“Several hours. You needed the rest.” Jim moved his hand from Spock’s face down to grasp Spock’s hand. “Do you think you could wake up enough to get married?”

“What?”

“Well, there’s a Vulcan priestess outside with your dad and Sarvok. Bones too. I sent for them, so we could get bonded as soon as possible like you wanted.” Jim faltered when he saw Spock’s eyes widen. “You did want that, didn’t you?”

Spock stared at him, mouth open.

“And he hasn’t arrived yet, but I also contacted a Justice of the Peace, to marry us after the bonding. I know it’s short notice and all, so if you’d rather I send them away, I will.”

 “Jim,” Spock said his name in a way that sounded prayerful. “Are you certain?”

“Well, yeah, I mean we talked about it before you conked out so—”

“Yes. But I thought—I was sure you would need some time to get used to the idea. Only a short time ago you were most insistent at sending me away.”

“I know but—”

“And prior to the unfortunate incident in the lowlife bar, you did agree to give me a chance, reluctantly, but I assumed it would be some time before you were in full agreement to bond.”

“I know. But I told you right here in this hospital room I was ready,” Jim reminded him, somewhat becoming frustrated.

“Yes. But if you were overcome—”

Jim laughed a little hysterically. “I was not overcome, Spock. I just realized how much time we’d both wasted on stupid fucking shit that just kept us apart. Needlessly. I love you, God help me, and I even think you might love me a little and—”

“Jim.”

“Are we going to bond today or not?”

“Yes.”

Jim smiled. “Hallelujah. It’s about time. I’ll be back with them in a second.” He leaned over and kissed Spock. He went to pull away but Spock stopped him. “What?”

“I will spend the rest of my life proving to you—”

“Save that for the wedding.”

“Jim.”

He sighed. “I know there’s still a lot to work through, Spock. But we work better together. Don’t you think?”

“What I think,” Spock said hoarsely, “is that you are the light that leads me.”

“Then stop wasting time and let’s be together.”

“Yes.” Spock nodded. “Now.”


	23. You Steal My Heart

“I do not think you ought to be out of bed,” Sarek told his son as Spock stood next to Jim in the hospital room. Spock had insisted on getting up and standing to be a part of the ceremonies.

“He’s stubborn,” Jim said. “I think it’s inherited.”

“Jim,” Bones hissed, but Jim just smiled.

Sarek only spared a brief glance at Jim.

“I am capable of standing,” Spock assured his father. “I am leaning on Jim and Dr. McCoy is nearby should there be an issue.”

“I do question his wisdom in allowing it,” Sarek said coolly.

“You try telling Spock what to do.”

Sarek arched a brow at Bones. “I have and it is largely unsuccessful.”

Jim smiled at the priestess who stood ramrod straight and quiet beside them. “We’re ready any time.”

Jim really wasn’t entirely sure that was true, but he figured they might as well get on with it before his cold feet became like ice and he hightailed it out of the room.

“Everyone but Spock and James stand aside.”

She wore an elaborate headdress, which kind of surprised Jim. He figured they were fairly simple people, meaning they didn’t go for adornments, but apparently for something like this, it was different.

He’d been told her name was T’Mere and that she was quite old and was one of the elders Spock had saved from the destruction of Vulcan. Jim thought she was okay because she didn’t particularly look at him with derision. That was a win.

Besides Sarek, Bones, and Sarvok, the Justice of the Peace had arrived, but he stood on the opposite side of the hospital room scrolling through his PADD and largely ignoring them.

Jim reached for Spock’s hand and Spock readily connected his hand to Jim’s. He had no clue whether that was normal for Vulcan bondings, but he didn’t care. He intended to do this his way, within reason anyway.

The ghosts of doubts swirled inside him, but he firmly pushed them aside. Living in the past with hurt and bitter betrayal was not what he wanted. Not now.

“First I must examine your minds to assure there is no impediment to the bond.” T’Mere raised a long bony hand to Spock’s face.

Jim hadn't really considered there would be, but now that she mentioned it, he began to sweat that too. He really was a hot mess.

Spock’s eyes were closed as her hand touched his face. She made a slight sound, like a ‘hmm’ and Jim was pretty sure that couldn’t be good.

Her hand slipped away from Spock, who opened his eyes, but continued looking straight ahead. 

When she placed her hand on Jim’s face he was surprised how cool it was, but also smooth and almost soothing. He closed his eyes, because Spock had. There was no pain or even pressure. He felt nothing from whatever she did to him.

Her hand slipped down his cheek with surprising gentleness and he opened his eyes.

“You have had a great deal of pain, young one,” she said, with kindness.

It had been a long time since Jim thought of himself as young, but compared to T’Mere, perhaps he was.

She glanced at Spock. “You will treat him well.”

Spock’s Adam’s apple bobbed. “Always.”

“Are we, uh, good to go?”

“Affirmative. As you are t’hy’la, it will be exceptionally easy to complete the bond.”

“Wait. What?” Jim glanced at Spock, who looked stunned.

“Elder, we do not share the ancient bond,” Spock said.

T’Mere raised her brow. “You dispute my findings?”

“I—”

“The young are so foolish. You have both buried it deep within so that is dark and alone, very dormant, ailing. I will bring forth the warmth.”

“Jim—”

“Be silent,” T’Mere admonished Spock. “Do you wish to continue this or not?”

Spock lowered his gaze. “I have harmed my th’y’la and I…I need a moment with him. Please.”

T’Mere sighed. “Very well. Let us wait outside,” she commanded to those in the room.

“Where we go?” Sarvok asked, clearly confused. “Papa?”

Jim didn’t hear anymore as everyone, including the Justice of the Peace, were ushered out by a very stern T’Mere.

Jim felt…felt…

Spock’s hands were on his face, and he was turned to look at the Vulcan. His brown eyes were unbearably sad and haunted. “I did not know.”

Jim nodded. Or tried to, with Spock holding his face.

“I have harmed you irrevocably.” His eyes welled with tears. “I-I have shamed myself, my heritage. Jim—”

“It’s all right.”

“No, it is not.”

“Spock.” He put his hands on Spock’s shoulders and shook him gently. “This doesn’t really change anything. I mean, yes, it does. It changes the future, maybe, I guess. But we were going to bond either way. So you were mistaken when you thought we weren’t like them, the others. But what happened between us? That happened, whatever else, it happened. And we can’t go back and change any of that.”

“I have wronged you.”

“You wronged me regardless,” Jim said bluntly. “Whether or not you chose Uhura when you should have chosen me because of some ancient revered Vulcan bond neither of us knew about. None of that matters really. I’ve forgiven you for what happened and I love you. You love me, right?”

Spock nodded.

“You’re sorry you hurt me.”

He nodded again.

“You’ll spend the rest of our lives cherishing me,” Jim said, smiling a little. “Isn’t that right?”

“Yes. Yes, Very much so.”

“Then let’s just bond, okay? And you’d better hurry or I’ll change my mind.”

“Jim—”

“I’m kidding. Or mostly.” Jim leaned in and kissed him, tasting the salt of his tears that had drifted down his pale cheeks. “And I’m sorry.”

“You do not ow me any apology.”

“Shut up for once, will you? You’re the love of my life, my soulmate, t’hy’la, whatever. And I made the mistake of letting fear and insecurity keep me from telling you a long time ago how much I fucking loved you and wanted to be with you. Maybe it wouldn’t have made any difference—”

Spock put his thumb on Jim’s lips. “Jim.”

“Maybe it would,” he continued softly. “We’ll never know. And I own that. So yes, I am sorry.”

Spock leaned into him, putting his forehead against Jim’s. “I worship you.”

“Then bond with me. Marry me.”

Spock’s breath hitched.

“Let’s not spend one more minute with regrets.”

“Yes.”

Jim smiled and pulled back. “We’d better get T’Mere back in here before she goes back to New Vulcan fed up with us two knuckleheads and I sure wouldn’t blame her.”

“Indeed,” Spock murmured.

Jim wiped Spock’s eyes. “I hate making you cry.”

“I feel the same when I make you cry.”

“Saps.” Jim grinned. “Hey! You guys can come back in.”

Every one of them except Sarvok looked disgruntled as they filed back into the hospital room. The boy held onto Sarek’s hand and it looked very small in his grandfather’s grip, but the child smiled. Jim didn’t know if he’d ever been so innocent and whatever else happened, he made a silent vow to protect Spock’s son from the tormented childhood he’d himself gone through.

“If you two are now prepared,” T’Mere said, already raising her hands to their faces. Her gaze went briefly to their joined hands, but she said nothing as she put one hand on Spock’s face and one on his. “What thee are about to see comes down from the time of the beginning, without change. This is the Vulcan heart. This is the Vulcan soul. This is our way.”

Unlike before when he’d felt nothing when she checked his mind, this time Jim felt the slightest bit of pressure, not painful really, but noticeable. And maybe he imagined it, he probably did, but he seemed to hear an audible click, like something moved into place. There was heat, but not the suffocating kind, and a sense of belonging, familiarity, intense affection, and wonder. From him or Spock or both? He did not know. In his mind he saw himself and Spock standing on a beautiful red rock, and he realized it was somewhere on Vulcan, the ancient Vulcan, and Spock’s arms enveloped him, holding him so close he could hardly breathe. Spock’s hair was long and flowing, blowing in a breeze around them, his chest was bare and quite muscular as he held onto Jim. His lips trailed up Jim’s jaw, and Jim, he looked more muscular too, which was really strange.

“T’hy’la,” Spock said directly into Jim’s ear and he shivered.

Then the image was gone and Jim was opening his eyes, his hand still held by Spock, his short-haired beautiful Spock, and T’Mere was looking at them with definite approval.

“It is done.”

****

“You, Sarek, and you, Leonard, will stand as witnesses to the union of James Kirk to S'chn T'gai Spock?” The Justice of the Peace spoke as he stood before Spock and Jim.

Sarek now held Sarvok in his arms. T’Mere had excused herself shortly after concluding their bond. Jim had a feeling he would be seeing her again. Perhaps on New Vulcan if they did settle there.

“We will,” Bones answered.

“If you will, sir,” Jim said, “I’d like to give Spock some special words.”

The man nodded. “As you wish.”

Jim turned to face Spock. He put his hands on Spock’s biceps and held him there. “I don’t remember when I first loved you. I don’t remember when I did not. But for a long time, I dwelled in anguish, bitterness, sorrow, contempt, even hate. My soul decayed with darkness. I could not see past my own pain and misery. I thought to dwell in this dark place for all the time I had left. But you, you wouldn’t let me. You came to me and even though I tried to send you away over and over, you wouldn’t go. Some of that darkness is still within, you haven’t banished it all, but I know that in time you will. Together we’ll banish the darkness in both of us. And though in some ways, it goes against what I believed for my whole life, I choose happiness. I choose to forgive you. I choose to love you with my whole heart. And I choose to accept your love in return.”

“For an eternity,” Spock whispered.

Jim smiled, he held Spock’s gaze. Warm and true. “For an eternity.”

****

“Now you’ll probably sleep for the next twelve hours,” Jim muttered as he helped Spock back into his hospital bed. “Stubborn Vulcan. You did too much.”

“I _am_ quite tired,” Spock admitted, though his heart was light. Lighter than it had ever been in his life. He had no regrets now. Save one. His only one was that he wished his mother could have been there.

“It’s no wonder.” Jim tucked the blankets around him. “Cold?”

“Yes.” He did not want to sleep. He wanted to go on looking at Jim. Who now belonged to him in every way. His beautiful, extraordinary mate. There was no one in the universe like Jim. Or any universe. And Spock got to have him.

“Yes, you have me,” Jim said, softly, leaning down to kiss Spock’s nose. “That telepathy stuff is surprisingly cool.”

“It will take some getting used to.”

“No kidding.” But he was smiling. That gorgeous little warm smile that Spock had come to realize was reserved for him and that made him treasure it above all else. Jim handed Spock a cup. “Here’s your tea. That should help you warm up. Are you sure you don’t want any of the plomeek soup they brought?”

Spock made a face. “That is _not_ plomeek soup no matter how much they perpetuate the illusion that it is.”

Jim laughed and if Spock was looking at his mate in a particularly besotted manner who could blame him?

“Sarvok wants to say good night before your dad takes him back to Uhura.”

“I would like to see him.” Spock took a sip of his tea and then handed it to Jim so that he could set it aside while Sarvok visited.

Only a moment later, Sarvok came rushing in, his little face quite happily excited. Spock doubted there would be any attempt at Vulcan control in Sarvok’s future and Spock found himself quite pleased to accept that.

“Papa!”

Jim lifted the boy up onto the bed to see Spock.

“Hello little one.”

“Grandpapa says you’re both my papas now,” Sarvok said, looking at Jim almost shyly.

“That is true,” Spock replied. He patted Sarvok’s head as he squirmed up to Spock’s side.

“But you can go on calling me Jim if you want.”

“I like having two papas. Will I have two mamas too?”

Jim chuckled. “Well, who knows? For now just the one. But she’s the greatest mama in the world, so that’s good.”  

Sarek appeared at the foot of the bed. “Come, Sarvok. It is time to go and let your papas rest.”

Sarvok kissed Spock’s cheek and then turned to hug a very surprised Jim. He looked over the child’s head at Spock, eyes wide. Spock could not help but be amused at Jim’s uncertainty.

“Uh, thanks there, um, kiddo.” Jim lowered Sarvok to the floor and the three year old ran to Sarek.

Sarek took the boy’s hand. “Good night. I will come by tomorrow afternoon.” He started to turn away, then looked back at them. “I am pleased by today’s events.”

“Wow,” Jim said after they’d left. “Never figured he’d be pleased you were stuck with me.”

“My father likes you.” Spock paused to yawn. “And I am not stuck with you.”

“Well, yeah I guess you could divorce me and—”

“Jim.”

“All right, I’ll stop.” Jim sat on the edge of Spock’s bed. He threaded his fingers through Spock’s. “I can’t believe this is real.”

“I share your sense of disbelief,” Spock admitted. “When Sarvok and I came to Riverside, I had little hope.”

“Why did you come then? If you didn’t have much hope, why bother?”

“Because I loved you beyond all reason.”

“We’re a pair the two of us.”

“Yes. Perhaps I was drawn to you because we are t’hy’la. Perhaps we are t’hy’la because I was drawn to you.”

“Which comes first, the chicken or the egg.”

Spock’s lips quirked. “Something like that.”

“Hey, babe?”

Spock was uncertain he approved of this endearment. But he answered. “Yes?”

“When we bonded, did you see you with really long hair while we stood on a rock on Vulcan?”

“Long hair?” Spock asked dubiously. “I did not. We were on the beach, standing in sand that was as golden as your hair.”

“Really? Huh. Well. If you’d like to let your hair grow out a bit, I’d be okay with that. It was hot.”

“Illogical.”

Jim’s smile faded. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” Spock said quietly. “It will be a long time before you fully trust me. But I will prove myself to you.”

Jim nodded, licked his lips, then met Spock’s gaze. “Where should we live? I resigned from Starfleet.”

“Jim! You did not tell me. Are you certain that is what you wanted?”

“I think perhaps I never want to see Yorktown again.”

“Still, there are other assignments—”

“Boring ones, yeah. And I don’t know. Maybe someday they’ll come to us and want us to save the universe again but for now, I’m content for us to just be together. Speaking of, they said they’d bring in a cot for me.”

Spock arched his brow and patted the bed.

Jim sighed. “All right, scoot over.”

Spock gladly did and welcome Jim next to him, wrapping his arms around his mate to hold him close. “As for where we shall live, it does not matter to me. I will follow you anywhere.”

“Hmm. Hawaii?”

“If that is your desire. We must work out custody of Sarvok with Nyota. But any place you wish can be accommodated.” Spock yawned once more.

“Oh, you really are tired.” Jim moved so he could kiss Spock on the lips. “Go on. Sleep. I think I’m probably going to sleep for quite a few hours myself.”

“Jim.” Spock kissed him again. “I have been and always shall be yours.”

Jim smiled. “You take my breath away. Go to sleep.”

“Very well.”

Perhaps it would take fifty years or more for Jim to trust him. For Jim to believe that Spock would never leave him. Never hurt him again.

Perhaps they’d even have those fifty or more years.

Spock hoped.

And hope was light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This concludes You are the Light That's Leading Me. I encourage you to check out the song, Everything, by Lifehouse, if you are unfamiliar with it. I started this fiction in August 2016, not that long after I'd seen Star Trek Beyond. It's been a long journey, even if the word count doesn't entirely reflect that. There were times I wasn't sure they would end up together but it's very hard for me, a Spirk Romantic, to write a scenario where they don't. I want them to overcome all obstacles, even if those are, simply put, each other. They are my OTP and always, for an eternity, will be.


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